.place of rest

just one post today

2010-12-30T19:25:00.001+08:00

http://oliveskies.blogspot.com/2010/01/one-year-in-nutshell.html written about a year ago.

This blog can go and die anyway, cause i've moved on to Tumblr. Ohohoho.

Anyway. I don't know what happened to 2010. Really, really don't know.

And i don't even know why i'm blogging here. What am i expecting to happen, anyway? Stupid girl.

That post i wrote, about 2009. Strange, isn't it? I've changed, haven't i? from the last day of 2009 to today, the -almost-last day of 2010. I used to be so at peace with myself, i used to be...different. And now i'm just a mess, and it feels like i'm so in control yet so out of control. When everything is passing by so fast, how do you not forget who you are? How do you keep everything in your hands?

Hmm. Then again, maybe you don't.

This is 2010, and it feels like nothing happened this year, but as it turns out, a lot of things happened this year. I cannot recount everything right now, but then i realize then i've been thrust into so many different worlds this year -- but it's all been so painfully fleeting, because these worlds, amazing as they are, they aren't mine, you know? And i don't know why i've been put there, i don't know why i've been allowed to observe these worlds, to live in these worlds, and then be forced to leave.

It's kind of really painful when that happens, you know?

So there was Australia, and national service, and Espana, and there was this month -- which i cannot describe. Four different worlds, right off the top of my mind, that impacted me most. Of course, there is college too, but that world is my world, and it's going to be mine for at least another year, so i have no worries there.

2010-09-17T23:58:00.000+08:00

i should stop blogging. and facebooking. seriously man.

2010-08-29T22:31:00.004+08:00

She's so pretty :( i so envy, you know? I want to be pretty like that too, you know? I want to be skinny like that too, you know? Speaking of which, i have now identified the source of why i am so fucking fat.

The reason is

that

i

eat too much.

(i know la wtf now ONLY i realize? like hello, it wasn't rocket science! should've guessed that eating like i have the stomach of twenty sumo wrestlers and a bull tends to have its side effects.)

So now that i have identified the problem, it isn't that hard to stop right? I'm going to start by skipping dinner from now on, but you know how freaking difficult that is? How the hell do you skip dinner when you're hanging out with friends? How, tell me how? =( I want to be thin.....

Moving on.

Stupid Thad. Today in Mackers i said "Eh eh so tell me who's this Karpal Singh" and he said quite seriously "Shhhhhhh don't say so loud, everybody hear already will laugh at you." and then he snickered. Stupid idiot LOL.

Moving on.

I drove to PJ today! AND i didn't get lost OMGOMGOMG. I got to Jaya One safely without any unplanned detours, and then from there i got to the Curve after a perfect journey. But then guess what guess what -- i'm Jin Rui, man, JIN RUI. No way i can take a trip without getting lost, so after i left the Curve on my voyage to SS2 i got lost... TWICE. FML.

Then after i got to SS2 (LATE, btw, paiseh like nuts) and tried to make my way home, i took the wrong route...again.

Shame wei, SHAME.

By right i should take the Federal Highway home right? Right? Then the first time i headed home from SS2 i took the freaking Puchong route and ended up using the Silk Highway, which is waaaaay longer and more expensive FML.

Second time i headed home from Curve we could've went straight to Federal Highway but instead we went all the way inside Kepong (reached Jusco WTF) before U-turning and going back home on the correct highway, not that bad but still it was a very long-ass, unnecessary U-turn.

Third time, which is today, i don't know what. the. flying. fuck. happened. I i left SS2 and somehow wound up going past the Kelana Jaya station... uh okay, alarm bells ringing -- have never come past here to go home when with family before. So never mind, i carry on and guess what guess what i pass by Taylor's fucking Lakeside campus.

I successfully got my ass into Sunway FML.

And the story doesn't end there. I carry on and take all the right turnings and all and suddenly GUESS WHAT I MISS THE RIGHT EXIT. So i carry on and reach a roundabout that points to home and i make the turning and guess where i found myself?

On the farking highway next to Leisure freaking Mall.

You know which roundabout it was? It's the roundabout we take every morning to get on the MRR2 to college.

FML FML FML FML FML.

Fark wey if my parents could see how i drive right, they'd slap my face off. My brother would do the same. So would my cousins. In fact, they'd stand in a line, and one after another slap me so hard i'd need emergency intensive plastic surgery.

WHERE GOT PEOPLE COME BACK FROM SS2 NEED TO GO PAST LEISURE MALL ONE WTF.

SHAME WEI, SHAME!!

dunno wtf i'm doing

2010-08-27T14:07:00.001+08:00

Every time this particular song comes on the speakers i turn it up and let the music seep in and feel my insides shift in silence. Every time this song comes on, and i think of you -- this song is yours, because i somehow gave it to you. I think that happens sometimes, when you play a song over and over again while at the same time putting so much wist and aching thought into someone or something -- ownership of the song materializes and becomes perennial, at least for a certain period of time.

So this is your song, and every time it comes on i sing along, and as i do it brings me back in time. It is like a loophole in time, and with beautifully excruciating detail i am brought back to you.

But don't get all pumped up with pride and stuff, because this isn't about you. This is, as always and as ever, about me. Somewhere down the vine it is about you, but first and foremost it is about me, and how i felt for you. Geddit?

I've moved on, but I like this song a lot, because it reminds me that i once felt something quite so intense and real. It makes me feel, and i crave for that so much, because i don't really feel that way about anyone anymore these days and that makes me a little bit sad.

It was a nice deal, wasn't it? One, i feel, of the nicest deals i ever had. But that contract is completely void now, ripped to shreds and burnt to crisp, and we're all moving forward now, and time, cruel as she is, just won't let us stop.

and everything will be fine

2010-08-25T23:45:00.001+08:00

Calm down

Deep breaths

And get yourself dressed instead

Of running around

And pulling all your threads saying

Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it

But, if it's a broken arm then brace it

If it's a broken heart then face it

Searching for peace.

well

2010-08-25T21:03:00.001+08:00

What are you looking for? What are we looking for?

Or really, what am i looking for?

These days things have been slowing down so much that i'm almost going backwards, and i just wish that someone would understand and tell me something to fix it, but that's not really how things work. So many new thoughts i've been having, and not very nice ones either. I wonder why this is.

I haven't read SuperForest in forever. Neither have i visited Tricia's blog, or Mraz's blog, and i unsubscribed @iamwun on Twitter because, you know, the tweets started getting a little too much, left behind close to no impact. Maybe that is why this hopelessness has come over? It's not really depressing, it's just tiring, and very much empty. Suddenly the color and meaning is getting drained out of everything i see, leaving behind in its wake nothing but a bland humdrum of...well, nothing. A whole lot of nothingness, really.

And i know. I know that life, generally, is meaningless. We live, we grow up, we do many things, we aspire for so much, when in fact it all means nothing until we give it meaning. We're the ones who make the things in our life matter, not anything else, not anyone else. We worry for so much, but in reality we're in control over almost nothing. Our job here, really, is to chill and be happy and contented -- and that's all, really.

So why this sudden despair? I don't want to be emo, i'm telling you. I want to be the one that's happy, the one that's light and full of positive vibrations and loving life and all that jazz, but these days things feel so heavy, and something's wrong.

Something's wrong. Or missing. I just know things aren't right, and i can't place what it is. I went for a swim earlier, hoping that i would be able to discover this sudden source of desperation, only to come against a wall. I've lost it -- my inspiration, my motivation.

And i have nothing now.

Our job here is to inspire and be inspired. That's all, really.

Reminder to ownself: for every now moment that passes, we are so fucking lucky. Be grateful man, be grateful.

one of the many things i'll never do

2010-08-23T20:35:00.002+08:00

One day i will return to Deviantart, and explore i will the treasure of all the poems and artworks left there by all these people who had the courage to dream and be inspired and create.

Larafairie.

"All I know is, if you don't figure out this something, you'll just stay ordinary, and it doesn't matter if its a work of art or a taco, or a pair of socks! Just create something... new, and there it is, and its you, out in the world, out side of you and you can look at it, or hear it, or read it, or feel it... and you know a little more about... you. A little bit more than anyone else does... Does that make any sense at all?"

i wonder what might happen if i left this all behind

2010-08-23T19:21:00.005+08:00

Fuck wei. You know what? I'm becoming really emo all over again. Emo like pre-Mraz that kind of emo.

Do you get what that means? That means the really SOHAI, really PATHETIC, kind of emo.

So shall i talk about why i'm emo, or how i'm going to deal with it? Well, both of course, because i have nothing better to do. I mean, because of the upcoming tests i have allowed myself the guilt-ridden freedom attained from halting all activities and supposedly studying, but here i am.

I've had a horrible morning. Imagine your thoughts on a better day, and they're well-behaved, all gathered and composed. Then imagine a load of marbles nestling in a bag that suddenly breaks open at the bottom, and all these loud, clinking marbles free-fall to the ground in a dash of shine and colors, and they crash, rolling everywhere, refusing to stay still, refusing to quiet down, refusing to assemble. So today i was down on my knees trying to keep my thoughts under control, but i couldn't, and it was one of those totally mindfucked times where i couldn't think straight, i couldn't breathe right, and it felt like i was about to explode. An imagery i might've used before is being caught in a cage far too small and cramped, and no space for sanity.

And the thing is i don't know why i'm like this. I'm serious. I'm not THAT taken with this boy, okay? For real.

So i think this is just one of those phases. Off the top of my mind i quote Mraz -- one day you're high, next day you're low. It's a balance, and my mind spiraling downwards this way is probably just making up for all those amazing days i've been having -- and i confess, the number of those are plenty. Days filled with gratitude and wonder and awareness. You can't have the good times without taking in some of the bad times as well, right?

So this is my bad time. This is my bad phase. I find myself rather lost now -- losing my sense of direction and conviction. It's just there's so much more time before i get to where i want, and suddenly the idea of that appears a little daunting. I have always been at bad terms with the idea of waiting.

And the self-pitying thoughts i've been having these days are aplenty, and of course there's always that silly little hope that someone else would comprehend and perhaps know, or even say, the magic words that can make everything better. But as i've always suspected, this is the sort-of issue that only oneself can fix -- and so i wait. As with all phases, this will pass. Bad times or moments or incidents, as with all good times or moments or incidents, are impermanent. My light and day will return, and there will be better times.

Well, tomorrow's another day.

I crave so to flee this place
where once there passed a fleeting face
and the joys and loves of many days
trailed by the ills of life's long race
the eternal chase for glorified praise
While i make haste, while i make haste,
to take off and fly far, away from this place.

Do you remember a poem i once wrote? I don't know where it's gone :( i liked that poem quite a bit, i think. It was about running away. Typical.

I wonder where it's gone.

.
..
...

Okay. I didn't post it in my Deviantart account. It's gone. Oh noes :(

My GIRL

2010-08-22T03:33:00.004+08:00

Sand ah Sand.

HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!

It is now 2:53AM and i just spent more than an hour sourcing out the pictures for this post, and i'm telling you girl you gonna laugh your ass off, cause i bet you didn't keep any of these old-ass photos.

So anyway, for those of you who aren't Sandra, this is us:

Don't ask me what the hell we were doing, cause i don't have a single freakin' idea. I think this was what, in 2006? Hahahahahah WTF man. This was when you got your webcam and we started messing with it like mad. I kind-of miss when we lived so near each other, we could meet up within 2 minutes anytime we liked.

I think this is one of those "remember when..." posts. I would spare you but seriously, we made so many good memories kan? I think we forget most of them already, but never mind, let's try to remember some... :D

This was after my TKD practice in form 4, and you guys had all stayed back for your Media Maklumat preparations. Was life perfect then, or what? Chilling in the counseling room, or more like stressing, actually, but we all got to skip class and not worry about getting left behind and that was just so awesome.

My god, Sand, all those games we were SO hooked on. RO, Maple, Neopets WTF. We even had a joint account in Neopets hahaha. Those were the days wei. We'd talk every single day without fail, and then it used to be always just me and you, and sometimes there were Chee Yern and Su Zen (like waaay back, in form 2 or something).

You're one of the closest friends i'd ever had. I remember telling you EVERYTHING, and (i assume) you telling me everything as well. Things were so good, so surreal. The hours we could spend talking shit with each other and laughing our asses off. The number of tuition classes we went to together, and the moments we spent trying to stifle our giggles at whatever lame inside joke we could come up with. I can't think of any right now except in Form 3 when we were at Miss Tan's house for Math tuition and the sound of the water dispenser came on and one of us mentioned it sounded like someone was peeing and we were just laughing and laughing like idiots for the rest of the class.

Remember in Form 4, when i wrote you that poem? I think it was in form 4 -- do you still have it, even? =P

Editing the script, i think. Counseling room -- our fort in 2008 wei! Arrrrrr.

Oh and by the way guys,

say

hello

the

RETARDS!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH DAMN FISHING UGLY WEI!

During one Christmas. Was it 2006 or 2007? What the hell were we doing? Why were we so ugly? Why did we want to keep such ugly pictures of ourselves? What the hell were we DOING with all that cotton? Do you remember when the phone rang, then? Do you remember what's the next picture we took?

Do you wanna see, Sand? =P

So fishing ugly you know.

I think you'll kill me for posting this up.

...

Brace

yourself

!!!!

Note: the definition of fugly.

Us ber-sohai-ing.

Btw, how come last time we so damn WTF ugly one ah? Like omg wei.

Remember when you used to be my other half? And people would invite me or you to parties or outings but never both of us because it would be automatically assumed that the other was invited.

I knew you on the third day of secondary school. You were the girl that lived down the street, the gas man's daughter. I was the girl that you thought looked really sombong. It was one of the best times of my life, being your best friend, and we may not be as close as we used to be but seriously, we used to live like 15 houses away from one another. Remember that ridiculous fight we had last year over the drama competition? I'm so sorry i was such an ass for forgetting that you said you wanted to join too =(

Do you remember how we made up? It was so funny, and then we turned around and saw your dad watching us and laughing.

Do you remember the note you wrote for me in my NS book the night before i left for camp? Ze and the rest were saying that they wanted to leave for NS too, if that could get you to write such a nice thing to them. I cried when i read it tau?

Love you like mad la wei =(

Really -- who knew, back then? :)

We may not be as close as we used to be, but that's because life went on. We're in different schools now, different circles of friends, different interests, different housing areas. But that's okay, right? Cause i still love you like mad, and it'll always be the four of us from BBSL.

Happy birthday girl, i sincerely hope you have a great one. I had so much fun just now, and i miss you and wish you were studying with us in TARC, too. 6th year of friendship wei. Here's to another 6 years, okay?

21st August 2010

for the beauty that gets frozen in time

2010-08-22T02:07:00.000+08:00

I just had one of the best nights with the girls, and everything's okay with the world right now. I've been having such terrible PMS-esque days dotted with exhaustion and terrible moodswings, but with them tonight, everything just kind-of slowed down and turned peaceful again. I was so upset earlier, but let me ask you something. Have you ever, in the dead of the night, threw out the mat in your lawn and kicked off your slippers and worries and doubts and lay down on the grass, staring up at the cloudy night sky, watching the leaves fluttering in the gentle breeze, washed over with golden light from the glowing street lamp? If you have, then you should know that everything stops spinning and crashing about, and you manage to locate peace in all that chaos.

~For in all chaos there is cosmos; in all disorder a secret order.~

He left me a message earlier, but i wasn't there to reply it. I've been feeling sad all day, for many reasons -- and goodbye just made things worse. But then everything got aligned earlier, into this perfectly chaotic disorderly order. He is not here anymore, and i will not see him for years. He will continue living his life on the other side of the globe, living his culture as i live mine, in his country as I mine. But that is okay because we are all one, we are all connected with one another.

And should i forget that, all i need to do is return to the garden and kick off my slippers and lie down on the grass, and watch the night skies, and let myself plug in and reconnect with the rest of the world again.

i thought tumblr would be a very suitable blog for posts such as this but i'm just too damned lazy to get one so deal with it ok? :D

2010-08-22T01:45:00.003+08:00

I wish in the city of your heart.

I wish in the city of your heart
you would let me be the street
where you walk when you are most
yourself. I imagine the houses:
It has been raining, but the rain
is done and the children kept home
have begun opening their doors.

–Robley Wilson

Freewriting: fleeting light

2010-08-21T16:40:00.002+08:00

This is getting ridiculous. I don't know why i'm being so fucking emo over this. Seriously. I mean, it was fun. He was funny, he was tall and pretty cute and all that, he was interesting, and he was nice. I admit i allowed myself to have a little crush on him, but only while knowing fully that this is completely off-bounds and impossible. But that's all! That's fucking all. I knew that nothing would happen right from the start, so there weren't any hopes to be crushed. And I have liked other people, longer than this, harder than this, with so much more hope and possibility than this. So why do my eyes burn, why are there salty tears on my face, why so goddamned melancholic?

Fucking siao one. What the hell is WRONG with me?

So, you know, because i SERIOUSLY feel like shit and i'm feeling very very stupid for feeling as such, i begin to suspect there be other reasons i'm getting so disproportionately upset over such a small matter. I mean, it may just be excuses, but i'm just going to rant.

There used to be a time when i felt this indulgent little satisfaction all the time, this contentment, or relief, or gratitude, but not in that positive way. Gratitude in that i had something that not everyone else had. I ALWAYS had someone to turn to -- no matter the issue, no matter the time, no matter anything. This happened for a while, and then time passed and things changed, and i realized that the people i thought i could always count on, i couldn't really count on anymore. It wasn't that they left, it was that i changed. The "help" they used to give me, i could now give myself.

And i need something more. I still have people i lean on, i always have that, and for that i am thankful. I will always be thankful for this moment in time when i am not alone. But some things you just have to figure out on your own. You grow up when you come across an issue that you can't solve, and you realize that other people don't have the solution too, and you just have to deal with it on your own. So that's that. It's not something more i need of other people, but something more i need of myself.

I am crying now, so many tears, and i don't fucking know why. I just woke up today feeling sad, and i don't know why. I know what started it -- when i realized. But that doesn't explain the escalating depression -- what i realized doesn't warrant emotions of such intensity. I want to figure it out but i'm just so lazy to think, so maybe by spilling it all out here without filter, everything will unfold and i will know. Then again, i guess sometimes you just feel sad without reason. And btw, i'm not freaking PMS-ing, so that's not an excuse either.

I want so much to leave here, but is it right to leave? And do i really want to leave and never come back, or am i just yearning for an extended holiday? The couple of hours i had discovering what life as a kid in a far away place is like was fascinating beyond words, and i guess i just want to explore the world. I want to see all these places, i want to meet all these people, i want to fall in love -- maybe not just with one person, but with everyone, everything, every moment, and myself. But isn't here home? Or maybe home is where the heart is -- i think i could live with that. It's not about the dark blue couch or the paintings on the wall or that box in the corner, it's about the people.

So why i am so upset? I think meeting him threw me off guard, and now i'm disorientated. Much like when i first returned from Australia, reeling from the intensity of the raw emotions, of what could've been, of how perfect it could've been. I am bemused and confounded and i don't know what i want anymore. It's like someone put me in a box and swung it against the wall across the room. I want so much to go there, but i can't, because i have to wait, so maybe THAT's the issue. Maybe it's about having to wait, about always having to wait. Ironic, because my parents think that i never wait, but you can't tell just by glancing across the surface. I've spent so much time waiting and waiting, and it has NEVER come. Once or twice it came close, but never. Never. I'm so sick of waiting, because is it ever going to come?

So many things i tell myself. Have faith, because if you maybe wait just a little while more everything will be all right. Everything's gonna be all right, just believe in the moment, believe in the Now, believe in the future. I'm getting a bit tired. One by one these people start to fly, and i'm still grounded as ever, and i'm still waiting.

From freewriting to whining. Perfect. The thing is i'll always have faith, i'll always be trying, i'll always be waiting. But you know how sometimes your destination seems so far and so distant that it's like it's NEVER gonna reach, and you start to feel a little worn out and desperate. Will things ever really be all right? Will things really work out?

(I'll tell you the answer, the answer is Yes. Always.)

So just wait la, girl. Just fucking wait, your time will come.

Why am i writing this here anyway? Do i crave peace, or for pity, or sympathy, or empathy from my friends? Maybe. Who doesn't? In our cores where we are most pathetic, we all just want someone who can identify perfectly with us. And if they don't, then we want them to try. When we act otherwise, when we try to pretend that we aren't all that -- in a nutshell, pathetic -- then we're all just pretending.

I don't know. I never know. I've never known. 10 days till August ends, and it'll be eight whole months gone already. The year started off with us in the park, then in McDonalds. There was Yernny and Sandra, and there was Zhenyu, and there was Victor. 2010 had a fantastical start, and so far it's all still amazing. I just fear my parents and inner voice are right, and that i will be burning out soon.

-- never say goodbye, because saying goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting --

Okay. Okay listen, i think i know why. I know why. It's because everything passes so quickly. I let myself learn, once, that life is change and impermanence is the only thing that is permanent. But i've usually always had enough time to live it and love it, enough time to let go and say goodbye. This time there wasn't enough time, and it was so ridiculously fleeting i got caught offguard. We said hi, we had some sort-of a connection, maybe, and then we said our goodbyes and he left and that's it. That's all there was, and that's all there will be. And maybe that's kinda saddening, yeah?

My God, such lies we tell ourselves.

my silhouette!

2010-08-21T01:05:00.000+08:00

I want to leave here, letting trail behind me nothing but shadows

and memories.

So i work at it, let myself burn out. Some people get it easy, some people have to slave. I enjoy this genuinely, i really do. It is unlike any other experience to feel yourself grow. This is what i am meant to be, this is how my days are meant to play out. But sometimes it gets a little confusing, and i find myself bewildered. Am i doing this because i want to grow, or because i want to leave the country? I can't tell, so i decide that it's maybe a little bit of both, because to leave the country i would have to grow; and so i slave. This past week has been unexpectedly busy.

Me likes.

Well, i wanna fly. I wanna fly, i wanna fly so bad.

I wanna fly, and i wanna love. Because that's what it's all about anyway. Dreams -- dreams and love. Always.

And when i leave, there will be this murky silhouette cast over the earth, edging farther

and farther

away.

2010-08-19T13:25:00.000+08:00

People don't help you feel better when you feel like shit. Nobody cares all that much, and people don't actually know the words that'll fix things, and make everything better. Then you realise that you're the only who can fix yourself,

And then you grow up.

like marbles

2010-08-19T00:01:00.002+08:00

Do you know how sometimes things happen, and you find yourself lured into this state of surreality. All of a sudden, everything becomes quite impalpable, and you're sucked into this other dimension, another world; some sort-of ethereal manifestation of your own mind. And lord, is it divine in there! It's like in the movies, when suddenly there's this glowing light to everything around, and the air kind-of just somehow gets illuminated, and you know with a dead-on conviction that everything -- imperfections, wants, desires, impossibilities -- it's all perfect.

It's just perfect.

But in here, everything dazzles. The colors light up brightly, and suddenly the outside world -- the real world -- pales in comparison. Reality, and the comfort and familiarity it brings, suddenly loses its appeal. I don't want to go back out there, i don't want to wake up, i want to stay here, in today. Moments, conversations, jibes, laughs, everything. I don't want to forget, i never want to forget, so i grab on to these little shreds of memories that float about my consciousness like blinking confetti in the breeze.

But they escape my grasp. Slip through my fingers like fine salt or sand or slippery marbles, through my gargantuan fingers. Quietly, nothing stays. I'm always so careless, always crashing about, this stupid pariah girl.

We don't remember days, we remember moments. Always. Once upon a time it was quiet, and i was at peace, and i yearn so much to return. I think maybe those times await me patiently to return.

One day, girl, when you are done chasing dreams, when you are done flying, we'll be waiting right here.

I reached home earlier feeling rather numb. Bro 2 wordlessly sat by the piano and watched as i parked and walked in, there was this thing in the air, a quietness that so dangerously resembled loneliness. It lingered for a brief moment, before this voice rang out and kind of shattered it. I treaded over those shards of desperate emotions as i made my way in to see Bro 1 and wife sitting by the couch, surrounded by Cousin 1 & 2.

And it's okay.

But i'm still feeling numb. I don't want to leave.

Mission Espana

2010-08-15T23:55:00.003+08:00

Oh fucketty fuck.

Why does he have to be so hot?

.

I don't like this.

I don't like this at all.

Right now is one of those superbly pleasant highs, so breathtaking, that comes before the cold, plunging lows. Now i'm reeling from that wonderful evening. It was a normal evening, one that would by convention be quite dull. But then we talked, and talked, and it became somewhat of a fascinating, fantastic experience. I will admit it -- i am quite biased. But this is so, so bad, because tomorrow the crushing disappointment will hit me so hard i will be reeling again. This has happened before, this incredible medley of emotions, so brief and sudden. And that's the thing -- the briefer it is, the stronger the impact. And so here it is -- today has catapulted me unto this swinging high, and now i'm excited and my stomach is twisting into this elaborate knot and my chest feels rather tight and i can't quite breathe right and i want so much but i know i cannot get any of it and on another day i would be loving this experience, but now this is so horrible.

I am so smitten.

But it is brief, and this briefness has instigated a sense of impending dread upon me, because tomorrow he will be gone, and tonight will be the last i see of him in years, and that's quite crushing. It makes me a little sad now, and i can almost see it already. Tomorrow's gonna be a bad day, and it will only be for a day, and beyond that i will be fine, but really, tomorrow's gonna be such a bad day :(

I wish the ride lasted longer.

I wish tomorrow would never come.

I wish i would stop being so damn sohai melodramatic =.=

Suerte

2010-08-12T23:02:00.000+08:00

[Note.]

Do you know just what an amazing day i had today? There were so many wonderful moments; side-cracking, tummy-aching laughs, and i hold on to these memories for their keepsake value, but they slip past my fingers like cool grains of sand on the beach.

This, my friends, is what i call kismet. Everything happens for a reason. On March 11 when results came out, i cried from noon till night before i had an epiphany and allowed myself to let go. I kept thinking why didn't i study harder. I kept thinking if only i had done things differently, everything would be so much different. Only i didn't really mean "different", i meant "better". But it isn't really better, is it?

I was thinking about this a lot earlier, and as a result i now have this warm, contented feeling playing about the pits of my tummy. IF i had gotten even one more A in SPM, i wouldn't be here now. At all. Thinking about all these makes me realize just how precious this moment is.

Are you aware of that?

Are you aware of how special YOUR moment is?

So listen. IF i had gotten one more A, i would be in Inti Subang Jaya right now, no doubt about that. (cause, FYI, they offer 100% waivers for students with 10A's). I would've joined in the March intake, therefore foregoing national service and therefore foregoing the opportunity to meet any of them awesome sayangs of mine -- and also the ultimate homesickness-experience.

Now, i'm not saying that this TARC experience is completely better than whatever experience that i would've gotten at Inti. I mean, who knows, right? I'm sure i would've met plenty of awesome people there as well. I'm sure i would've loved it there, being in SS15 and smack in the middle of it all. There could probably have been a Mr. Right-Now as well. But seriously, who knows? What i DO know is this:--

1. I'm in TARC right now.
2. I have been such an amazing experience.
3. I have met amazing people.
4. I'm having so much fun it's insane.

So yeah, being at Inti would mean that i wouldn't be given the opportunity to do what i'm doing now -- which has been amazing. Making. So. Many. Friends!!! *spazzing with joy*

Okay, now let's backtrack a bit. If i had gotten one more A, Yernny wouldn't be at TARC either. (most likely lah, who's to say for sure, right?)

If i had gotten one more A, i wouldn't be as close to Yernny and Suze as i am right now. Of course, if i went to Inti i'd have made new friends = expanding network = good stuff, but seriously, what we have now is pretty amazing, and pretty much trumps that as well.

If i had gotten one more A, i wouldn't have met Hwee Yee. Or Thad. Or Shaun. Or Zarrah. Or Ama. Or any of my classmates. Neither would i be on talking terms with Han Jon because let's face it, we only started talking when i ran into him during orientation week.

If i had gotten one more A, i wouldn't have had the opportunity to do what i'm doing right now, which i have to admit, i'm enjoying a LOT, stressful as it is.

If i had gotten one more A, i wouldn't have had the same utterly incredible day that i had today. I think about the things we said or how LAME we were being and i just can't help cracking up. I had so much fun today!

Today was an amazing day, you know that? Do you know how close we were to not having this day today? Do you see now how everything fell into place like that?

And i cried so hard on March 11 my eyes were swollen for a week. If i had known how things were gonna be like back then, i'd probably be laughing my ass off.

phases

2010-08-12T00:07:00.003+08:00

Helloooooooooo.

I am now contemplating removing Awesome blog link from my Facebook page. After all, i've already taken it off MSN. I think i've basically just given up already. There used to be this amazing, deeply rooted and profound feeling of gratitude in me all the time, and i'd constantly be in wonderment at how insanely lucky i am.

Like, stop, pause, take a second and realize that I have amazing family and friends. I have an amazing life. I have the ability to chose what i want. Most importantly, i have the ability to pursue that.

But i don't feel it anymore, and that's all right. Sometimes it passes fleetingly, like a soft breeze gently touching on the blurred out edges of my consciousness, and life seems rather beautiful. But it is too transient, and i never get to explore and develop the feeling.

Do you know how sometimes things peak, and you're standing there at the top of the curve, and you're looking back and realizing how different things were not that long ago. SPM wasn't that long ago. SPM was only 9 months ago, but it feels like it's been forever. Our lives have changed so much, and we have changed so much, yet in a way we are still the same. We are still the same people, living out our rapidly transforming lives. How long more do you think we'll get to be together, you think?

Until the end of our course? Or even further on? If my dreams somehow become real, and if her plans materialize and take form, and then we'll have left, and we'll be so far away from each other. You guys have been there since forever, especially of late. Will it feel normal, after a while?

Then, you know, we'll be one of those groups of friends who meet up for a couple of months in a year, and we'll spend our time shopping in flea markets and sipping coffee in Starbucks and chilling out over breakfast on Sunday mornings and clubbing in the nights and exploring this home that we probably only care about now since, you know, we won't be here anymore.

Well, i remember. I remember when i was crazy over Roswell. I remember when i had all these idealistic fantasies about Love. I remember when i craved so much to fit in. I remember when i felt so sad when i didn't fit in. I remember that time at your house the night before NS, when we were all chilling over the best food ever, and it was just the few of us, and we sat out on your balcony and you guys were playing with the ukelele and i remember sitting there thinking, well, here it is. Here's what it's all about. This is it -- where i'm meant to be. It was there, then, out on your balcony, where i was meant to be right then, right there.

And then there was Coogee.

I tell myself to be patient. I'll get there one day. But it never works, and i'm still rushing. There was once, sometime back, maybe a year, when i thought that i wanted to do culinary arts. Then, i find myself here, and it's funny, because there could've been so many other possibilities.

But then i find myself here, and that's fine.

Right now is where we are.

Right now is where you are.

It doesn't matter what happened in the past, and it sure as hell doesn't matter what's going to happen in the future. If the past was less than perfect, messed up and wrong, then so be it. What matters is that you're here now, and i'm here now, and we're all here now, together. If one tiny thing had been different before, than i probably wouldn't even be right here today. It is true then, that the culmination of millions of years of evolution has created this moment with YOU in it.

Well anyway. Should go now.

How shall the burial rite be read?
The solemn song be sung ?
The requiem for the loveliest dead,
That ever died so young?

497.

2010-08-10T23:07:00.000+08:00

For the lack of something better to do i clicked on the "2008" category of my blog archive and took a quick glance at my old posts, and came to two conclusions.

One is that (i think) i used to write a whole lot better than i do now.

Another is that the posts were written in a manner that demonstrated how very much in pain i was. In other words, how full of shit. Like oh my goodness wei, i was so very pathetic. I know, i know, i say that now, but back then it was a really crappy period of time for me -- i can hardly imagine feeling like that again, and i really hope that i won't. In one post i mentioned craving for something more, the 'more' that refers to the trawling, broad expanse that is life. Which brings me to my next realization that, really, i am so lucky to be who i am, where i am, right now.

I'm grateful that i have found it -- my something "more". It could've been anything, really, but it is this, and it has brought me here, and i'm so grateful to be here. Today was a wonderful day. Today was an amazing day. The silent, minute moments passing by that was such a fresh experience. Thank you, universe.

i want you to know who i am

2010-08-09T21:53:00.000+08:00

But there's nothing much, really. Sometimes i like to pretend that there's a whole lot more to me than i show. Like maybe clinging below these many layers of ridiculous lame, borderline-annoying, loud exterior there's something else that's interesting and eye-catching, and worth a pause that lasts longer than just a moment. Then i'm brought back here, and really. There's nothing much.

I lost my planner yesterday. In it there were notes on positivity, a ten ringgit note, my first test results, what i achieved for the whole of July, and all those activities and events that came up, spread out over the pages. Then there were my to-do lists, the notes i took from the US Apps workshop. What to do, what not to do. A part of me feels that stinging tinge of regret -- i need that planner. I want it.Why am i so goddamned careless all the time? In fact, why can't i do things right? Why am i always rushing or hiding? Why can't i drive right? I turned out of the junction today and nearly knocked into this Kelisa. Or was it a Viva. Anyways, there's this image of the lady behind the wheel cursing + gesturing at me furiously, and i don't blame her. I would've done the same.

So yesterday there was an assembly of them awesome people. The cream of the crop, the ones who made it. A part of me craves so badly to be on the other side of the room, with them. But then it's different than how it used to be, because before this all i wanted was to get there. A certain moment in time prior to now, i wanted that more than anything else i had ever wanted, and the very idea or fleeting thought of failure sent chills creeping under my skin, like a very bad dream. Then i am here now, and i can feel myself letting go. I won't stop trying, of course. I'll keep going and i won't stop. But maybe i'm branching out now. Maybe instead of wanting to be a person that a college in the States would accept, maybe i want to be someone that i, myself right now, would respect and admire.

Maybe before this i viewed them awesome people as awesome only because they got in, but now it comes to me that there's more to it than that. Maybe they themselves, as individuals, with or without the college, are awesome as it is. And maybe that's what i want. To be awesome as i am -- confident, at ease, spontaneous, knowledgeable.

Maybe someday i'll get there.

And then there are the flashbacks. Vivid moments in time that have frozen and let itself stick to the walls of my mind. Right now i am standing on the hill, barefooted, in that old baggy shirt and shorts and my brother's DSLR, and i'm standing by the edge and staring at the sea and the sky and that part where they melt into each other, and the breeze smells great and i am free from everything, even myself, especially myself.

Well, i know which way i'm going. I don't know which way i've come.

no time to breathe

2010-08-08T21:49:00.000+08:00

Oh my emm gee. WOW. I am so tired it's insane, but still have to keep on going, and that's okay. I'm quite relieved it's Sunday, because it means the workshop is over, and i can start working on the coming week. The past week has been ridiculously hectic, and so will be the following week. I wait with bated breath for this Friday to come. Then i'm Singapore bound, and after that, it's study time.

So i attended the workshop today and yesterday, and saw the people that i so respected and looked up to since several years ago. I say saw, because i didn't actually go up and speak to them, i only watched from afar.

I don't know why i didn't go speak to them. Was i nervous? Maybe. But it wasn't so much about that than it was about the fact that i realized i didn't have anything to say to them, or ask them, and it's not like i can go to them and say "hi, can we be friends?" when that's really what i want. But it doesn't work that way, so never mind. It's okay. Surprisingly, i'm at peace with that. Maybe next time, then.

It's been an amazing time, these dreams. But do you want to know a little secret? I have a tiny nagging suspicion tugging at the corners of my heart, one that whispers to me that i will never be able to get there. I sometimes let my thoughts wander, and i begin to envision myself receiving those words -- We are delighted to inform you that you have been accepted... but it doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel like it could become something tangible. It feels like such a fantasy, a dream in it's most quintessential form. It feels like a story i would cook up out of boredom on a lazy day in class, as far-fetched as can possibly be. I know right, what a stinking hypocrite i am.

But i can't help it.

And of course, that's not stopping me. I'm still doing what i can, i'm still doing all i can. It's just that there's barely a second i can take to pause and catch my breath, and i'm just so loving this.

i'm not giving up

2010-08-03T21:37:00.001+08:00

Gaaah. Today was quite a shit day -- then again it would be unfair to all the good moments for me to say that, so i'm going to ditch the impulse and not put today under a label.

But today was a tiring day, and i'm worn out. I catch myself sometimes -- the wistful moments when i wish that i have my old team back with me. The buzzing excitement that stormed in and wrapped itself around us as we planned things, and that wonderful anticipation with which we carried out our plans. The ideas spilled out, and they kept coming and coming, and lord, were we without limits! We could've gone anywhere. Each of us were so inspired, and that in turn spurred on the other's inspiration, which made it so fresh, the energy and thrill of it all.

Then i find myself here, and it isn't the same. It's not an environment that i dislike per se -- it's just different, and i haven't quite adapted yet. The inspiration just doesn't seem to be there, and it's harder that way. I wish there was something i could do, maybe snap my fingers and get everyone all super motivated and enthusiastic and shit, but it doesn't work that way. So i sit aside and try to inject spirit into it (while running the risk of being the irritating, upbeat girl that everyone wishes would shut up), and i try to come up with ideas, because we can be so amazing, we can, i know it. I can almost see it -- how we'd be the ones to bring about change, or at least, inspire it in other people.

But it's hard. Especially when i've always been playing the supporting role, and suddenly i'm thrust here. And today the creeping thought came to me many a time, and it brought with it such a cold sense of despair. I'm the one who brought myself here, but what am i trying to do? What do i really hope to achieve, and how achievable is that, really? Who am i kidding anyway? What kind of game do i think i'm playing? Seriously, girl, get real. This desperation is borne of a combination of tiredness, both physical and mental -- and it is so bad for the spirit.

So today i was trying to deal with these stupid bring-you-down feelings, and then it just came to me that i don't want to give up. I won't give up. I can do this, i know i can. I know we can. It wasn't meant to be easy, anyway, and what comes too easy, nobody wants.

"What comes too easy does not make legends."

We can do this.

to you

2010-07-31T00:56:00.001+08:00

Because you're so important to me that i have to dedicate an entire post to you. But hopefully this will be the last i speak of you like this. I type this because i have never met anyone like you before, and conversations with you are just effortless and fun and they always keep me going. And i always remember that. I haven't ever fallen hard for anyone, but for you things were very oddly different. I stand firm on my ground that i've never been in love, but sometimes i secretly entertain the idea that IF i had been in love before -- IF i had -- then it would have been with you. Because i am so impressed by you, and i like everything about you, and you'll always be that benchmark for the rest of them. I don't think i like you anymore even though i still miss you a lot. I think it's because it had always been fun talking to you, and i am in love with our conversations. But i don't like you anymore, because that idea isn't right, and it isn't meant for now, if at all. So that's that, and i've accepted that. That doesn't change how you're important to me, and you see, that's how the balance tips the other way, and before you know it things start to get bent out of shape. I don't have anyone else in my life that fits the way you did, and now i'm beginning to believe how sad that is, because that isn't the way it is in your life, is it? Gaah. But whatever, life goes on, and everything's all transient, everything's just a passing thing -- even this stupid melodramatic fullofshit post.

I just wanted to say,

goodbye, now.

like, seriously

2010-07-31T00:41:00.000+08:00

i want to die.

Again, one of the lowest points in my life.

And i'm rendered speechless.

gaining momentum

2010-07-28T19:00:00.002+08:00

Things are tres beautiful right now. Everything's finally picking up speed and now i'm going on at this almost-ridiculous pace and i'm losing control. I say almost, because i know i can definitely go further than this, but i think this is enough for now. What else can i say? If you were to put me in a national service camp right now, i can assure you that i would be weeping my eyes sore every day. Without fail. To be whizzing by with such momentum, and then suddenly made to stop and remain stagnant for so long. There may be a lesson to be learnt in that, but seriously, that's just plain cruel.

So the past seven days have been pretty amazing.

Wednesday evening, the ball got to rolling -- which should explain the deliriously excited post i put up sans detailed elaboration because i got to yawning a bit too much. Moments like these are the ones that i hope to remember -- that point in time where opportunities are aplenty, and we are basking in absolute abundance, yes we are. We finished up at almost seven, and campus is actually quite beautiful late in the evening when there is less traffic, people or otherwise.

Thursday morning, beautiful karaoke session in the car before we started our day. That was priceless, that was. Do you guys remember that? That was six days ago. It feels like it was ages ago. Don't forget that, okay? Because that was hilarious. And then in the afternoon i got on the bus, and took the wrong bus -- which was stupid, really. And then at night, Maison, and the most WTF experience to behold.

Friday feels like a flatline. Nothing happened. That's okay though, only because of aforementioned WTF experience.

Saturday was a reunion with them lovely NS mates. Wonderful wonderful high moments again. Ones that we live for. Uh-may-zeeeng. And then there was meeting Twist, who somehow didn't look that cute anymore. Revelations, seriously, because i had adored (the idea of) him so.

Sunday, the US Apps workshop -- which was enlightening, really. Also, a painful reminder to me now as i write this that i have been procrastinating so.

Monday, meeting, meeting.

Yesterday, Green Drinks.

Tomorrow, movie date with classmates :D

Friday, morning date with them Save Temenggor people, and then TLCMUN in the evening, Saturday, and Sunday.

And i'm gratified that my schedule is pretty much filled until the end of next next week. I love being so busy. It probably won't be long before i burn out, but then again, i'm thriving on this! Learning so much, everyday! Busy, but i still have time for social life. Now, to break that even in terms of academia, i should probably start cutting back on Facebook and start revising a little everyday. Now that'd be the perfect equation, wouldn't it?

(another term is wishful thinking)

----------------------------------------

Moments that i always wanna remember --

`the alarmed look on Kung's face when all the icons on the Touch started wobbling; him saying "stop." to my Touch, like that would stop the icons from "shaking".

`Joey and me tearing up with laughter when that happened.

`him. his eyes. and coming so close. ho hum.

`turn around, bright eyes.

`the walk of shame, to the car. the combination of high heels, makeup and nightclub attire never looked tackier under the harsh morning sunlight.

`rushing home after Green Drinks, only to find that avoided trouble i had.

`my article getting approval from the LB people. yes, yessss.

`today, in the car, when we were waiting for your friend, and the conversation flowed just fine. or when i find myself with them all, and we're all effortlessly having fun. or when you tease me. because maybe i just love acceptance.

`when i come online, and the first thing i check is if you're online. and you're not. that's fine though, because we've all gotta live our lives. (i miss you, though.)

`but we're all just living in a yellow submarine :D

`when you were both screaming at each other, and i stood there watching and listening and praying that you would stop and start loving each other again, because that would put everything back into balance. because i really hope you guys live fulfilled lives. I hope you guys live good lives. I hope you guys didn't make the wrong decision; even though i probably shouldn't worry, right? because it's your lives, and everything always falls into place perfectly. Knowing that didn't stop me from feeling sad, though. please be okay.

i like you

2010-07-26T22:31:00.000+08:00

I like you, a lot. I love it when you seem delirious with joy when you see me after a whole day apart. You try to wag your tail, but your whole butt shakes instead, and these crazy, cute little whimpers come out and within moments you've gotten everyone's heart melting, or bursting, or overflowing with love. I love it when you jump on me and try to claw at me, simply just begging to be hugged.

I love it when i'm sitting on the ground and you come over and push your face into my arms, and rub your nose against my leg. I love it when you come over and drag your wet nose across the keyboard, leaving shiny, damp stains behind.

I love it when i kiss you on the nose, and you stare back at me with those wide, innocent eyes.

Like hello, i love you too.

Oh baby <3

cause you know, i'm waiting for you and i don't know why

2010-07-26T22:16:00.000+08:00

And it's me on my own again. But that's fine, because what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and this isn't killing me. Yet.

What am i chasing anyway? Even i don't know. I mean, i can catch a gist of what is it that i want, but the conviction doesn't seem to be there anymore. Maybe i'm just doing what i'm doing out of habit, or maybe this is the continuation of what those powerful dreams left behind. Either ways, i don't know, but that's also fine.

Sometimes i crave for sanctuary. I close my eyes, and i'm brought there, to where the weather is fine and everything is so perfect it is surreal. Only that it was real, it was, and i'm yearning to go back there again. Where it was perfect, absolutely so, even more so, when i was in solitude. So maybe i was right, then. All those months ago, when i announced that i left my heart there. Maybe i really did.

Sometimes i crave for something so much that i fool myself into thinking that i don't mind settling for something else, and it's so stupid because i know that the moment i get near it i will shy away again, and then i would've gone one entire redundant circle, wasting everyone's time and wearing out their emotions, including mine. What's the point? It's just that i'm stuck in limbo now, and i'm starting to get a little dizzy because i'm running round and round in circles, and there's no point.

Huh.

coming to shine on the occasion

2010-07-22T00:37:00.000+08:00

Butterfly! You landed on my mind; damn right you landed on my ear and then you crawled inside.

And now i see you perfectly behind closed eyes.

I wanna fly with you,

and i wanna lie with you.

--------

I am having such an amazing day! But maybe i'll blog about it tomorrow. SLEEEEEPY!

Love.

impatience

2010-07-19T21:55:00.000+08:00

I think i'm losing it =.= PMS just isn't an excuse. But well. Yeah.

I'm a very irritated human nowadays, constantly on the brink of extreme agitation and infuriation. I am losing interest in many things, and my enthusiasm is dissipating. I don't know where i'm going, and i'm not even attempting to stop myself. Yes, i'm very annoyed nowadays, and my patience is nonexistent, and i'm not saying that being like this is justified. I'm not a very pleasant person to be around nowadays, and i'm sorry, but i'm just so damn pissy, it's like i'm trapped in a far too tiny cage that is my mind, and there's no way to move or breathe or get out of it and it's driving me insane.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuudge.

Somebody take me away.

i think i'm back

2010-07-16T18:25:00.001+08:00

How many thoughts does a human mind process a day? An hour? A minute? A second? My mind's a mess now, but it always is. I wish that i were brave; brave enough to kill all my wants, brave enough to stop chasing dreams. Brave enough to let go. That would be so strange, y'know? 'cos i have been harboring all these dreams for so long, holding on to them like they're precious, and it has become baggage that is me. And if i let go, it would be like losing myself. And sometimes i entertain the idea that hey, maybe it's okay to lose myself.

I mean, it would be interesting to see where i'd go from there, wouldn't it? What would i pursue next? What would my next dream be, and where would that bring me? On Wednesday, reality finally struck, and i understood that my "dreams" were quite ridiculous after all. I mean, it's not impossible -- nothing is. And if i really, really wanted it that much, then i know that i still can get it, but i'd have to go all out, and maybe i don't want to do that. Maybe i don't really want what i think i want that much after all.

So maybe this is the brick wall that is going to defeat me.

But one thing i have learnt from all of these is that there is no defeat, really. I'm not broken, and i haven't lost anything. In fact, i have gained so much, and that is just invaluable. Daring to dream like that has made me who i am today, and i am grateful for this all. Maybe it's just time for a detour, that's all. And already i can see where this can bring me. A change of goals changes everything else, and maybe that's better.

Moodswings, baby.

(But that's okay.)

Remember how i felt so good on Wednesday, that i actually updated Awesome blog? Now i feel sad, deflated, like crying. Lol. Maybe this is what it's like to mourn for a dying dream. But we all have to grow up, and this isn't being realistic. I know, i know, i've always hated with a passion all senses of the word "realistic" -- seriously, fuck being realistic. But listen to me, listen. I'm not really giving up, i'm just switching directions. I realize that this sounds like i'm trying to convince myself, but that isn't it. Life is beautiful, and life is change, and this is change. This is what i want, i think. I mean, who really knows? We all want to be happy, but no one really knows how to get there. We're clawing and flailing around like blind people, and we're all lost.

It's just that, I feel so. Sad.

you are my distraction :)

2010-07-16T00:30:00.000+08:00

There's so many things to do suddenly, and suddenly i'm swamped, but here is where i feel safe. Here i can hide behind the workload and tell myself that i'm working hard, i'm doing my best, and therefore if i should fail, it will not be my fault. Time's flying now, and soon August will be here, and i will get my car. I think it's kind-of an unfair trade, my car for my brother, but it's not like i can chose anyway, so my car it is. Besides, this could mean more holidays in *gaaaasp* Oz? Oh looove. I anticipate the future.

When i do get my car though, or if i do move down to stay with second bro, then i will want to explore. Spend a day in PJ, spend a day in Teapot cafe, spend some time chilling with friends, though it's not like i haven't been doing the latter already.

You are such an idiot. I don't know why i'm waiting for you. It's 12.30, and i have to wake up in about 5 hours, but here i am still stupid waiting for you. Why am i waiting anyway? Do i like you? I don't think so. You're special though, you know that? You're my distraction.

Cause i can imagine a future where i could give up mamak sessions, MSN-ing, shopping, Facebooking, movies, chilling, gaming, everything so i can focus on getting where i want to be. But if you should appear.

Well, well.

You're my distraction, all right =)

looooooooooove

2010-07-14T20:27:00.000+08:00

LOOK!

Lookie lookie look. Looooooooooooooooook. :D

I don't know why i'm so high, but it's good, it's all good.

anawa aa aa

2010-07-12T21:07:00.000+08:00

Last night was ... funnnnnnn!

I mean. It was okay. Other than that it was mostly a pretty lackadaisical event, getting to go on stage and have fun and nearly winning a 32-inch LCD TV with a home theater system, it was pretty good.

I'm tired.

I wish that they provided pills that gave out bursts of energy that lasted all day. And longer. (Red Bull doesn't count).

I wish that we were given step-by-step manuals or detailed instructions on how to make all your insecurities go away.

I want you to know that it's okay if you don't want me, because i don't want you either. It's just all these insecurities are biting at me, and it's wearing me down.

I want you to know that it's okay if you're being busy, and we haven't been able to find the time to catch up. It's just i want to talk to you, and i quite miss you.

I want you to know that it's okay to not be productive all the time. It's okay to slow down. In fact, please slow down. You're driving me nuts.

wear sunscreen.

2010-07-10T21:46:00.001+08:00

Just now during dinner, my brothers brought up the topic of the American that walked into North Korea and got sentenced to 8 years of hard labor because of that. The conversation then crept on with my family proclaiming -- with emphasized scorn -- that the man was an idiot, and he deserved it.

"He was there because of some human rights thing." someone sneered.

"Yeah, so-called activist." he said, pronouncing the word like it was dirt.

"Don't know what's the point they wanna go and do all this rubbish." someone else continued.

"It's not as if it makes a difference, what they do." More scorn. More derision. "One day they're in the papers, the next day people just forget about them."

"There's no point to all of this anyway."

Disgusting. Irritating. Saddening. Disheartening.

There IS a point to all of this. It does make a difference, and i really wish they could understand that. Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean nothing's changed. With any small action made by one passionate person, the inspiration is passed on to another, and that's enough as it is. You doesn't have to start a revolution to make a difference. Sometimes the process of change takes such a long time, and happens in the smallest of ways, so much that you don't notice it until you take a step back and take in the bigger picture.

It's not rubbish. Some people live solely for themselves, as you are doing. That's all well, but why must you ridicule the people who chose to live their lives for others? Maybe these people find it to be more meaningful to live that way. Maybe they find that they are in abundance as it is. Maybe they enjoy the feeling of being alive, of having that amazing knowledge that perhaps they are fortunate enough, and that other people need more help than they do. Maybe they love the feeling that they get after trying to make a difference. Maybe that's why they keep doing it, because that feeling makes them feel more alive than say, hanging out with friends or shopping or making money or playing computer games or gambling or whatever is it other people do with their lives. You know? Why must you bring them down? They are different -- not foolish, not idiots, not imposing on your lives -- they're just different.

Different like how some people are black or white or yellow or brown. Different like how some men like men and some women like women. Different like how some people worship Christ instead of Buddha or some other god, or the other way around. Different like how some people don't even believe in God.

His name is Aijalon Mahli Gomes. He is an African-American from Boston, and taught English in Seoul prior to all this madness. He is an activist. He tried to kill himself yesterday. People will remember him. Not everybody, but yes, people will remember him.

Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there. Have some faith. And even if you don't, that's fine, just keep quiet.

Stop bringing other people down.

------------------------------

I don't know what i'm doing with my life. I don't know what i want. My dreams push me on, but my vision is shallow, and therefore i don't get that much fired up about something. Passion is, after all, the key ingredient to everything. Passion is what we should all have, and passion is what i'm lacking. It's time to switch directions. I still want what i want, but maybe that's not all. Maybe, instead of it being the end, it can be the means to an end -- what end, i do not know. I have a feeling that i should figure it out soon, but i'm so tired i want to die. I think i mean this mentally, too. I feel empty, and hollow. I don't know a lot of things, anymore.

What i do know is this. I want to know things. I want to know a lot of things. I want to be one of those well-informed, intelligent people who can talk about anything to anyone. I want to be one of those people who have opinions. Suddenly there's this loud, intense hunger for knowledge, and to satisfy that i read and read, but i'm so slow and that's just plain infuriating. But okay, i'll live.

I want so many things, and suddenly it feels like i have not enough time, but that cannot be. I am pretty sure that i have a lot of time. Management's the problem, is all.

I should chill.

I am in an abundance of everything. Including time. Including dreams. It's okay to be lost. It's okay to lose out. It's okay to miss out. This is life. It's okay to lag behind. It's okay to feel small. This race is fabricated by my mind entirely, and in the end, the only person i have to answer to is myself. Therefore, it is okay.

No problem.

'cause you make everything all right

when you hold and you squeeze me tight.

away.

2010-07-08T23:34:00.001+08:00

Here's an example of how things fall into place perfectly.

Today, after school, before we left Setapak, we went to this noodle house for a chillout session, and we talked and talked (about many interesting stuff) and at the end it felt really great. Then they dropped me off at the train station, where i missed my train by about ten seconds, but no matter because it's not KTM ;) it was a nice ride on the train, therapeutic, almost. Very good for self-reflection, am hoping to be able to do it more often. Best part of getting on at Wangsa Maju is that the train's always yours at first, so there's always empty seats.

Then i reached destination, and was walking aimlessly from the entrance, and then saw Gloria and Beni =O chatted for a bit until they went for their movie, before heading off to Borders and sitting down with a good book, and then saw Tuttie standing next to me with her new beau.

So you see, there are many ways none of this could've happened. After college if things had happened differently we could've went straight off, but we didn't and hung around and had such a nice chat.

If i had not missed my train, i bet i wouldn't have ran into Gloria and Beni.

And if i had decided to go straight to PJ instead of going to destination first, then i sure as hell wouldn't have seen Tuttie as well o_o

Kismet.

I love life.

On another note, FUCK THAT OCTOPUS. Cibettttttttttttttttttttt.

sleight of hand

2010-07-06T22:44:00.000+08:00

I don't exactly know what it is i'm searching for. Maybe it is perfection. I just know sometimes i stumble upon a rare piece of treasure that looks -- much to my incredulity -- like this beautiful perfection for which i crave. And so i am delighted, and i think, maybe i'm getting there, so i edge myself closer and closer, and i get hopeful, and excited, but then when i get close enough i realize with disappointment that it's not exactly what i was looking for -- and that i have to continue looking.

So yeah, maybe it is perfection that i am looking for after all. Maybe i really am that foolish. Either ways, today was okay. It was interesting, and it made me thoughtful, but there weren't no thunderbolts or anything, so. Yeah. Does that make me greedy? Not everyone are able to give out thunderbolts, but if i chase after someone who doesn't supply those, then i'd be merely settling.

And that ain't right.

Sometimes i wonder how people fall in love so easily. How do you give yourself to someone else just like that? Do you get the thunderbolt, or do you just dismiss its absence from the relationship? Maybe the rush of exhilaration, the thrill of finding someone that matches, is negligible. Or maybe it does really come to you so easily. Maybe it varies with the person, eh? Maybe i'm just being fast, and a thunderbolt isn't such a necessity, hmm?

But okay, whatever. I'm disappointed, but not torn. Chemistry isn't something that you can create, but something that exists naturally. It's not like i could've done something to make things flow more comfortably.

It was okay, though. It was okay.

(but okay isn't what i'm looking for)

You see, at one point in the past two months i thought that i would gladly settle, simply so i can end this phase that i've been living for so long. But i can't settle. It doesn't feel right, and.... well, my loss, but at least my heart doesn't flip itself in all the wrong ways. Somehow, i'm not as obsessed with guys as i was before, and that's refreshing. Either ways, i'm back at square one, but that's okay, because i'm so preoccupied with other things anyway.

US Education, Dreams, and Love.

chilling

2010-07-05T18:29:00.002+08:00

So today was a pretty awesome day, y'know? I think i just love the process of getting to know my classmates better and better, and knowing that at the end of this 18 months we're gonna be close friends. So i woke up this morning on a positive note, which led me to feel really chatty and good and all. And i have my GP test tomorrow, and an Econs test on Thursday, but i simply have no motivation to study, which is a shit excuse, actually, so i'm going to study later.

Then i have to catch up on Accounts, though i THINK i'm good there but okay, shouldn't get cocky, better be safe. And Maths, dear God, i must make myself sit down one day (with Yern. Or Priveena), and catch up with Math. And business, which is a shit subject, but well, welcome to the life of a Tarcian.

And Malaysian studies.

Oh lord, way to go, Mr. Nally, now you're melting the poles, Mr. Nally.

I think Mraz is sublime, but that's nothing new.

Do you remember the amazing days during the Kerjaya competitions, in which we were all involved? And Sand would get so annoyed at Ze, and you were all stressing over your competition, and Sheena and Casey were kicking EAK's ass, and i was in drama and loving the fact that i was a part of something, and we were all together then. We still are, actually, but then again, not really.

High school is creeping further and further away from me now, and TARC life is nice, and i'm thinking of moving out because traveling is just so tiring, and that makes me even more excited because change is happening as i speak, and this is such a wonderful process, it's amazing that i get to be here and not only watch but experience this all. Yet again, i digress. What i want to say about high school is that it's so far away now, and that i don't really mind, but if only i could keep all of you close to me. Yet i can feel all of you drifting away, and that makes me quite sad, a little. I know, i know, some things aren't meant to be. Some friendships need the kind-of stitching that only being classmates can give, but that kind-of sucks right?

Like, i loved it when i wanted to talk to you guys, and all i had to do was run over to the back of the classroom and we would ignore the teachers and talk all day long.

I loved it when during a slow day of classes, i would turn around and see that Melvin was gone, and i knew exactly where he was, and i would run on down to the counseling room and ditch the rest of the days' classes with him as well.

Oh, and remember when i would carry the Physics or Chemistry SUCCESS reference books to school everyday just so i could "study"? I never did study in school, anyway, never could resist the tempting call of friends sitting all around me.

And i miss the months towards the end of the year when we'd go out so often. The Rest & Regen sessions we had in between our SPM papers. How come we're always so busy now?

Do you remember when you were still in school? Do you remember when we first met? Jia Liang made a mean jibe at me, and you slammed him, and i was surprised and quite shy then, because i had heard some pretty intimidating rumors about you before -- but then that was all shit, wasn't it? Because we all know how you are, and you're quite the amazing one. God, when you were still in high school. So freaking long ago. But you're leaving soon, and i'm gonna miss you quite a bit.

Why does it have to be like this? You put us together and then you pull us away and seriously, is that all? Are our stories really that short, after all? Su, Sin Yin, Minyi, Connie, Xiu Wen, AC, Sheena, Jia Liang, Kevin, Simon, Gloria, Nat, Daniel, Jamie, Wah Lung. We hated our school quite a bit, but in the end that was the only thing that truly put us together, wasn't it?

It just sucks sometimes, when i miss you all quite a bit, but you're all either busy, or we just don't talk anymore, or, you know. Life. We were quite lucky to have each other, weren't we?

Oh life. Beautiful.

word vomit.

2010-07-03T15:49:00.004+08:00

I just don't see why sometimes i have to try so hard. I mean, is it just me? Or is it like this for everyone? Does it feel like you're literally pushing against all the resistance that has taken on the form of a thick, dense cloud that refuses to move. I could probably use better imagery but okay, whatever.

But then, you know, i think i'm always like this. At least, i am always like this these days anyway. I'm always like why's this so hard and it's fucking crazy, because yesterday i woke up and everything was just shit, and the moment i thought about the (now cancelled) interview tomorrow i just started to panic, and my neck hurt so bad, and i couldn't think straight cause my head was throbbing, so in the end i ditched the whole day's lectures and sat down by that quiet corridor, stared at the skies and watched the sunlight washing over the trees, made myself read and process Tricia's blog, and reread all of Mraz's old posts that inspired me so much last year.

And i wasn't inspired again, so sadly, but my brain slowed down, and i stopped panicking, and suddenly there was this odd quietness in my head where it's been so noisy for so long, which still hurt but at least it wasn't that bad anymore. I wish desperately to revive that energy i used to be so pumped with, but it's gone, and i still remember the days when i could say I LOVE THIS MOMENT, and i would find myself in disbelief, every time i rediscovered how lucky i actually am to be here NOW, and to live in every Now moment, and all that. This wasn't even all that long ago. maybe 45 days ago i still had it, but 45 days is a long time, and so much time has passed. It's been 2 whole months since i left camp.

I mean seriously. Two months? What the fuck is happening to our time? What's going on? Why's everything moving so fast?

But i digress. I think what i was trying to say is that i'm always so negative nowadays. I keep on what-if-ing myself, when in fact the 2-months-ago me would've stopped it and been "Awesome" in no time, but then again the 2-months-ago me would also say that things always change, and "Everything is fine, not Final", and that change is amazing and change is life and life is amazing. Therefore i guess it's okay to be so negative now..? Yesterday a part of me thought i was losing myself in all this rush, where the hours are compacted into flashing moments, but then i realized that it's okay to be lost, because if i don't get lost then how do i "find myself"? You know, you can't get high if you've never been low, and so maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

And i suppose this was bound to happen, anyway. We have to create space for all the good stuff to keep coming in, and if everything was good all the time, well then something wouldn't be right.

And sometimes it seems like i'm forcing myself to go so fast, but then they say that if everything seems under control, then you're just not going fast enough. So yeah, here i am. Everything's crazy, everything's spinning out of control and on most days it's drive me nuts but this is so fun in such an insane way, and i suppose it's okay to be like this for a while, to test myself, to see how much i can handle, and if i can truly live up to this challenge. I remember in form 4, telling myself that if other people can do it then why not me? So yeah, let's see if that's right.

But i'm still so dumb shit anyway. Grrr.

--------------------------------

Anyway, i just read this at Ze's blog, and i just immediately started crying and i'm still tearing up a little bit. It's nuts, because i'm rarely so emotional like this, but i remember how much it hurt back then, so, so clearly.

do you remember, the time when you called me, and you were crying? and you asked me when it would stop hurting? don't hurt, life is beautiful. and it's just a brick wall, you taught me that.

Well yes, i remember, and i remember being so shocked, knowing that you had already been feeling such pain then, and i hadn't even realized it beforehand, and i wondered how i never knew, or maybe i did know, but not that well.

woe is me

2010-06-30T19:52:00.000+08:00

I am so annoyed right now. I am so not at peace with myself right now. I try to tell myself that it's all right, but no it's NOT all right! What am i doing, anyway?

1. Missed two very worthy events yesterday and today. Hope not to miss the one tomorrow.
2. Why am i so obsessed over Stick? WTF, woman, get a life.
3. I'm sorry, you, if i'm right about my hunches. I sincerely hope i'm wrong, though. Hope i'm being an self-indulgent perasan fool.
4. HATE WAKING UP AT 5.30 EVERY MORNING.

FUCK.

Yernny just told me that it's 'healthy' to swear as people who swear while in pain have better endurance than those who don't, so yeah, this infuriation is pissing me off MAJORLY. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE CAN. WHY KEEP SUPPRESSING ME. Good GOD.

Okay you know what i'm not even PMS-ing anymore so why am i so freaking pissy nowadays? No idea why so okay let's focus on the good stuff.

1. NEW SHOES FROM JAPAN. Adidas and Nikes! Thank you mama!
2. I now own a Yukata. Which i do not know how to wear. Either ways it's very pretty, although i have no idea where to wear it to.
3. Love my class. Getting closer with the girls, which is goooooood :)
4. JPA interview this Sunday. Still not sure if it's a good thing or not.
5. So many opportunities lying around, even if sometimes i find myself in a position where i am unable to take them.

But okay. PISSY PISSY. Have you ever heard the phrase a flash of blind panic? Well you know what, i've been having those all day today, and it's driving me nuts. I'm so worried about the interview this Sunday, because it's "public speaking" and i always fuck it up. And this is such a terrible mindset but okay, after tomorrow i will work on it.

But okay okay. Today is the last day of June, and i want to set some New Month Resolutions for myself.

1) Must manage time better from now on.
2) Must manage MONEY better from now on.
3) Must take every opportunity that comes by.
4) Must be more resourceful.
5) Must be independent. Since main source of inspiration is now inactive and therefore proving to be a huge deinspirant, no such word i know but whatever, i must now inspire myself.
6) Must be nicer. And more patient. And less pissy.
7) Must wash dog every weekend.

Now i will stop wasting time, go offline, have dinner, bathe and FINISH ECONS NOTES.

Then sleep before 11. So fucking tired everyday.

what i really want right now

2010-06-29T19:00:00.002+08:00

1. Go to Green Drinks.
2. Be inspired again.
3. Talk to him.
4. See him.
5. Stop obsessing over him.
6. Be in the mood to study.
7. Be amazing. Wait. How?

FML.

I read Tricia's blog, and i see that what she writes is how i used to feel, but i haven't been feeling it anymore. There used to be this profound sense of gratitude i could almost touch, all the time. Now it's gone, and i don't know how to get it back. I'm just tired all the time. I read her post halfway, and close the tab, because they do me no good right now. Today's drive to college was dangerous, i confess. I was half-asleep, and fighting to keep my eyes open, and occasionally i could feel my eyelids pulling downwards, like what happens when i'm in a really slow class.

I shall sleep earlier tonight.

I used to be able to justify the things i did, but not anymore, either. I'm too tired.

And i'm not even doing anything, and my insecurities are so feeding on that, it's driving me nuts.

And remember how i said after the previous crush i wouldn't crush on anyone again? Well, massive fail. I would say i am merely "interested", but if this is how "interested" is then i guess i'm screwed =___= aiyaaa.

Why like thissss.

waka waka

2010-06-28T21:01:00.001+08:00

I can't stop singing Waka Waka, it's so addictive, and it brings me back to that amazing Saturday we had. My dad's watching this lame old Chinese horror movie now and. And my thought just died right there.

Sigh.

It's 9PM now. It's the 28th now, and June is going, going, gone. What have we done? I ask myself this almost religiously every month, and i don't know if my answers are building up to anything, but either ways, here we are. Look back, people. January is over! February is over! March, April, May is over! And now June is gone. Tomorrow we'll turn and find that July is packing herself up too, and August would be beckoning eagerly, and isn't 2010 the fastest year to ever go by?

I don't want to compete anymore, it's bringing me down. I just want to keep each and everyone of you with me, nearby and safe. I don't want any of you to leave, so please don't push me away, okay? Sighhhh.

tu madre.

2010-06-27T00:48:00.000+08:00

There are some moments in time that i wish would stop rolling by so quick, and just freeze for a while so that i can imprint those details in my mind. The words we say, the facial expressions we pull, the ache deep in the hollows of our tummies when we laugh too hard. Today was such a good day. I don't want these days to ever end, and i don't want to ever forget any of this. The ridiculous jokes we crack -- imma Ip Man your face!; "so, where you from?" "Johor." -- i laughed so hard today, i literally had tears rolling down my cheeks. I'm actually tired from all that laughing, and yeah, it was pretty good.

So, today, Klang Parade --> KLpac --> Times Square. I never expected the day to turn out like this. Went to support Sheena at her pageant, but we missed her performance :( we saw a bit of the video though, and it seems good. She's second runner up! Skinny bitch is going to compete in the finals! *proud that i know her

Anyhow, she finished up early and so we headed over to Urbanscapes, but...yeah...wasn't that great. For me, anyway. The thing is, events like these are always overly hyped up (eg. Youth '10) and it will only be fun if the programs are crazy good or/and you have a lot of friends who are going as well. If there's neither, then... quite potong stim =-=" but yeah okay, we had a look around, and the four of us went for dinner at Vivo in Times Square and i'm telling you we were so noisy, everyone was looking.

I didn't get to meet my magic man today =( but that's fine. Letting go is easy when there's nothing to hold on to, anyway. I'm just really 'eager', i guess. Desperate, no, but i'm tired of waiting. I'm bored of waiting.

But never mind.

So many opportunities lying around these days -- i'm in abundance. Life's so good. Thank you :)

operation garmin

2010-06-26T11:27:00.000+08:00

Ok.

I can do this.

I can install GPS on my stupid phone, no problem. Just have to find them right instructions.

Rawr.

suan le ba.

2010-06-26T00:29:00.000+08:00

And i thought maybe things would be turning around this year, like maybe something would be different, and i would get what i've been waiting for.

And i've been waiting so patiently.

This is so unfair.

But fine. Fine. If it's not meant to be, then fine. I have faith. Everything will work out, and if my time isn't here yet, then fine. At the Global Peace Convention last year, this Singaporean guy held a talk, and even though the least number of people attended his session, i found him to be far more fascinating than the rest of the speakers. His talk was about the Anatomy of Peace, or something like that, and i can't remember exactly what it was but there was something about betraying and creating unrest within yourself.

Like you're expecting visitors, and you can see your wife cleaning the house and cooking and all. And you know you're supposed to help her. But you don't. And that's where you inflict chaos upon yourself. Guilt, and all that jazz.

So i made a decision, and i made the right decision.

I decided not to be selfish, just this time. Fine.

Fine.

shut up

2010-06-24T23:06:00.003+08:00

But nothing lasts forever. When i was on the airplane to Melbourne, i remember looking around at all the people around me and wondering what was their plan. What were they going to do in Melbourne? Were they going to go elsewhere from there? Sydney, maybe? How long were they going to stay in Australia? Were they there on holiday, or were they going there to stay? I remember seeing some of the passengers traveling alone, they looked my age. Students, i thought, and instantly i was pumped to the brim with envy.

I remember looking out to the night sky being so thrilled that i was there. An old friend told me stories of her experience as a student in Adelaide once, and that drew me in completely. On nights like those i would stand on the lawn and stare up at the sky and wish i was out there. And in camp, when we must've seen at least 300 planes fly by. I wanted to be there too, and then there i was, on my way to Australia. I remember thinking that i didn't expect that moment to come so soon, but there i was.

Then again, i was there for only 12 days -- so amazing, and i was swayed for a while -- i thought, hey, why not? I fell in love with Australia.

But now. Oh what the fuck. I don't know what i want anymore. This is so sickening. I'm just having a really bad headache now, and i guess life's great, but i wish my college wasn't so fucking far away. For god's sake.

And nothing really lasts. I hope i'm wrong when i say this. I hope some flames really do stay alight, and today's just been rather confusing, and i want so many things so, so much.

Free-writing #4

2010-06-23T02:37:00.000+08:00

Oh what the hell, right? Another post? I mean, who gives a shit. But yeah, it's 2.15 in the morning and i can't sleep, and my headache's so bad i can't exactly process informative websites, or do productive reading, so here i am attempting to pull all the thoughts out of the space of my mind so i can breathe right and think right or perhaps not think at all, and sleep instead. But i have given up, because it is now 2.15, and no matter when i sleep after this, i will have less than 3 and a half hours of sleep, and that's is just vile, so i've given up. What's the point? Whether i force myself to sleep now, or sleep later, i'll look and feel like hell tomorrow anyway. I have to admit, giving up feels pretty good -- no more stress or pressure, no more sleep now or feel the shit come crashing down when your alarm rings tomorrow, only who cares? The shit's gonna happen no matter what you do, might as well chill a bit now. So i'm chilling, i'm trying to relax, and i'm trying to sort my thoughts out.

So today someone came up to me and gave me quite a shock. Not only that, he gave me a choice. Well me, over the past few months i have very frequently been incredibly thankful for all the choices that i get to have. I just sometimes find myself in disbelief at my fortune, for being able to think, for being able to chose. But today, i kind-of wish i didn't have a choice, i wish he didn't give me that choice. I wish i didn't have to chose, or say no and be potentially making a stupid, stupid mistake, or say yes and be giving up on my "dream". But what "dream" is this anyway? It isn't even as though this alternative i have is completely crap. In fact, at one point in the past few months, i would've liked this opportunity, i would've loved this choice. All i have to do is imagine myself there, to imagine the people there walking by me, to imagine the quaint little shops,and the beautiful weather, the performers that mark the streets. I remember that crazy big mural of Martin Luther on the building in New Town, and the amazing beaches, and that musician that sat on the steps with his guitar, and those rocks, and that sky.

But i've wanted the other choice for so long. I've wanted it so, so much, for so long. I changed myself and became so oriented towards that goal, because even though i've never ever been there, or know anyone from there, there's this remarkable longing that tears at my chest every time i see a picture, and i can't explain it. I know, i'm being so ridiculously dramatic now, i should just get real, i'm just chasing cars, i'm just being a kid, and i should get real before i make that decision that i will regret probably forever.

But here's life for me. Dreams. They make up such a huge part of my life, and those are what brings me forward. And what i believe with the whole of myself, is that one should never ever ever give up. NEVER. Sure, it is important to realize when to let go, but it is even more crucial to know when to hold on. What if you were so close, yet you didn't know it and gave up? What if you stood a chance, but gave it up for the security of some other second-choice?

So yeah, it doesn't matter, actually, if i get the choice that i don't really want. It's not bad, and i know that i will love it there -- but i don't think i would be able to live with myself, because that's gonna be how i view it -- as giving up on the first choice.

Okay. I think i'm sleepy now. Maybe i can sleep now? *hopeful

Good night.

rewrite my history

2010-06-23T01:56:00.000+08:00

I can't fucking sleep right now, and it's already 1.30AM, and i have to wake up in four hours time. Fuck. And i have classes from 8 to 3 tomorrow. *tears at hair*

I drank this stupid tea earlier, and apparently it was too strong so now i'm (likely) pumped up with caffeine, hence the physical refusal to sleep. In my mind, i'm dying. There's this killer headache driving itself violently against my skull repeatedly, and i have no idea how to deal. I tried calming down, because right now i feel so freaking anxious and antsy, it's driving me nuts. It's like i'm facing first day of school or first date or wedding or whatever tomorrow, because i'm so fucking nervous, my heart is beating so quick, and my mind's a mess, and i can't even call my thoughts in and try to chill because i. can't. focus. I feel so nervous i want to throw up.

So now i'm listening to John Mayer. There's this totally chill song by him, "Who Says".

Who says I can’t be free?

From all of the things that I used to be

Re-write my history

Who says I can’t be free?

It's as chill as Jack Johnson's Banana Pancakes. Sweet loooove.

So yeah, today was .... well, it was pretty good. I finally made progress on the so-called "society" that's been all talk for ages. I met this amazing lecturer's who's totally sweet and passionate about this as well, and i'm just looking forward to when everything can take off. There's comprehension, definitely, but this is it :D a learning curve. Ooh, can't wait.

I feel like taking up Taekwondo and volleyball again. I know i should probably move on, go focus on other stuff and all, but i figure since i've already gotten the basics of these two, i might as well work on making myself good at them, since i've never really given a shit about it before in the past, bad attitude and all. Also, i've been practicing Taekwondo by myself recently, and i am absolutely amazed to say that i can do a back-thrust kick without falling on my ass anymore :D i used to fall off balance all the time.

And volleyball. I miss that =C

Okay, so anyway, i'm into this other guy now. I know, wtf right? How come there's this sudden onslaught of crushes? Whereas while in high school i had like two crushes in three years or something pathetic like that (none that ever led anywhere, in fact...). But this guy is interesting. It's not really a crush, but yeah, he's interesting. But then again, could be just me being the idiot i really am. Nothing ever works out and leads to anything, anyway, i shouldn't even bother =-="

I'm typing this while lying flat down on my back right now, and i really want to sleep but all i can do is spaz like a nervous wreck, and i can't really breathe and i want to cry or scream or laugh or whatever just to get this over with, but i can't cry or scream or even laugh because this headache is fucking my brains inside out.

And now i'm hungry.

Diu niama.

interested

2010-06-22T23:39:00.000+08:00

AHA. I KNEW there was something i needed to do and i just remembered. YAAAY me.

I'm a wreck now, anyway. So messed up. -___-

But yeah. Excited. And i'm force-feeding myself information now, because i'm just too STUPID about everything, it's embarrassing.

And yer. He has a girlfriend now. Blehhh =X whatever.

I kind of feel like throwing up. This is no good.

i see red

2010-06-20T01:14:00.000+08:00

What i want to pursue
- community service
- environmental action
- social life
- yoga
- dance
- debate
- good grades
- working part time for more $$

What i am pursuing
- community service
- environmental action
- good grades
- social life

What i am forgoing because i do not have enough time
- yoga
- dance
- debate
- working part time

I do not want to live like i have 50 more years to live, can?

I want to live like i could die next month, can?

Leave me the fuck alone, can?

scattered all around me

2010-06-18T19:11:00.000+08:00

So anyway, life's a real bore nowadays. I realize that i have this ridiculous procrastinator in me (who doesn't, right?) and it is really putting me off my game. I stumble upon articles i'm supposed to read, but instead of getting to it right away, i bookmark it and tell myself, "I'll read it later."

Last night i was about to do that again, and then there was a pause and it was like, why not now? Why later? so i got to it right away, although i was so very, very sleepy. And i realize that this habit is what's stopping me from completing most of the things i should be doing. Creating the meeting minutes, finding the teacher advisor for my supposed club, catching up on all my subjects. I spend my time searching for inspiration, the kind that would enable me to continue updating Awesome blog consistently again, and so that's where my time goes.

I also think that i think too much. Either that or i'm getting really bored, which is really only euphemism for something else that i won't mention now. In any case, i met this pretty cute guy last night, and you can say that he was pretty funny. Or that we had chemistry. It wasn't the amazing sort of chemistry in which everything clicks perfectly -- i don't think so anyway -- it was more like the talk-loads-of-crap kinda chemistry which, well, it was interesting.

And so now i can safely say that i know the difference in "Interested" and "Having a crush", in which interested is what i am in aforementioned cute guy -- something like hmm. and a lightbulb goes off above your head, that kind of thing -- and having a crush is what's been happening the past few months -- full-on psychotherapy-needed obsessed behavior in me. Which is bad. But so, so fun.

"In love"? Have yet to get there, but i'll update you when i do, promise.

Also met this huge guy in the US Apps for Malaysians community. Heard of him aaaaaaaaages ago, visit his blog pretty frequently, added him on Facebook just the week before, and saw him yesterday! Proceeded to spend most of the rest of the night talking to him about US Apps, and it's terrifying, really. I was gonna say 'interesting', but the truth of the matter is that it's terrifying. And always at the back of my mind is this mindset that scoffs at the idea of me getting there, that tells me it's impossible. You? Ha! As if... and sometimes i imagine myself succeeding, but that vision seems so far-off and distant, like it's always gonna be a dream and only that. I don't know.

But then. SuperForest came in, and i can tell you that i would probably die without this amazing site.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I read it three times before realizing that that is exactly what i've been thinking of myself. Who am i to be able to get to the US, anyway? And the Ivy League? Dream on, girl...

And it's still a little bit of how i'm thinking, but i'm working on it, i'm working on it.

Oh love.

Ode

2010-06-17T01:50:00.000+08:00

Great hail! we cry to the corners

From the dazzling unknown shore;

Bring us hither your sun and your summers,

And renew our world as of yore;

You shall teach us your song's new numbers,

And things that we dreamt not before;

Yea, in spite of a dreamer who slumbers,

And a singer who sings no more.

I love this ode that i found on i-dunno-where, might've been SuperForest, but i'm not so sure.

Sometimes when i read poems that rhyme, i lose track of trying to understand the meaning it is trying to convey, and all i can admire is the smooth, flowing manner in which the words fall together so seamlessly. That is it, the beauty in words.

Malas nak blog lah. Toodles.

Conversations

2010-06-12T15:44:00.001+08:00

Me : I'm so sorry, i just can't stop talking about him, y'know? I can't get him off my mind!

Ze : Well okay, then you can continue talking and we won't listen, okay?

Me : What? Cannot!

Ze : Okay, then you continue talking and we pretend to listen okay?

Me : Cannotttt...

Ze : Jeez okay then you talk and we listen and when we go home we kill ourselves okay?

Me : Well all right i can live with that :D

--------------

Er Jin : You guys know what a pangolin is right?

Xiang Lin : Yeah i know! It's the one that looks like a Pokemon right?

the search

2010-06-12T15:31:00.001+08:00

On location ;D

Dragged Yernny tree planting today + Xiang Lin. Woke up before 6 and got to Er Jin's house, and then left for the place. I was expecting it to be really hot -- more like expecting myself to be getting another tan (which, according to CP, isn't quite possible). But the weather was great, and it was funnnnn.

So all of us planted around 2000 trees today, which happened really quickly.

We planted all those scrawny trees poking upwards =D

--------------

Sometimes i just want to relax and let go. I mean, it isn't that hard, right? Things don't always have to be perfect down to that very last detail, and i should just sit still and chill. I don't always have to try so hard. Life's short.

But all that's a tad bit too sour for the perfectionist in me to swallow. There are certain things that i want in a certain way only. So i sprint through my days, forever chasing that distant fogged up dream that probably was clear once.

And what am i doing anyway?
What am i doing all this for?
Why am i trying so hard?
What am i trying to achieve?

Because it's fun? Definitely.

For popularity? Maybe.

For praise? Don't think so.

A certain sense of self-accomplishment? I think so.

But beyond that? What about reasons outside of myself? Am i doing all of this for myself only? Huh. I don't know.

Maybe i really am that shallow.

What the hell do i want, anyway?

-----

Is there anybody going to listen to my story
All about the girl who came to stay?
She's the kind of girl you want so much
It makes you sorry;
Still, you don't regret a single day.
Ah girl! Girl! Girl...

Free-writing #3

2010-06-12T00:47:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow, i'm going tree planting! Yes! Hopefully it'll be awesome, to compensate for all the friends that i won't be making since i ~~didn't have the guts to ask my parents~~ didn't get to go for the Miracle Youth Conference which is ongoing as we speak.

And then on Monday i'll be meeting the classmates :D yes yes yes! Can't wait to see them. Strange as it sounds, i've pretty much settled into TARC life already. I sometimes sense myself getting a bit irked when i hear people dissing TARC, and well, yeah, the first three weeks of class have been nothing but fun and interesting, mostly because of the classmates. I actually found myself missing class, but today i've changed my mind. It's quite something when it's almost midnight but you find that you still have so much time on your hands, sufficient to squeeze in some worthwhile chatting on MSN, catching up with the world on Mozilla, and a couple of Glee episodes.

Today, i watched Letters to Juliet, which is pretty much a gimmick sold to people who have no romance in their lives and have to go to the cinemas to get their fill -- basically, me :D this movie's so cute, i couldn't stop smiling throughout. Well, i want a guy like that too. With the chemistry and the humor and the cheesiness and all. The movie was so predictable, but all the best chick flicks usually are.

Today, my campmates were officially let out. I miss these girls so much. Somebody posted a video on Facebook of all the Wiras singing for the last time ever Wira Wirawati. It's just epic, you know? Because when we were there we hated camp, and i hated camp, but nothing's ever really ALL bad, and there's always the good times too. Even during the first week, when i cried every morning -- i found myself getting really high during the nights too. And there were those stupid jokes with Wan Yee, and stoning with the girls in my dorm during the hollow hours. And there was talking to Pokok, and chasing after him and all that jazz. Well here we are, this is the peleraian. This is the falling action. When it's all over, people usually tend to remember only the best parts, and that's what NS gave us, i suppose -- a bad experience to make us stronger, and good memories that allows us the chance to look back and smile :)

And i'm meeting the campmates next saturday.

Freakin' A. Life's awesome. Thank you, universe.

Free-writing #2

2010-06-11T00:14:00.003+08:00

Oh i can imagine how my blog is going to die from text overload.

IKEA MEATBALLS! YAAAAAAAAAYYY!

I exercised today! 250 stomach crunches, and many more. I just want my tummy FLAT. I don't expect to lose weight or anything, i think i've kinda given up. The only way i can lose weight is if i stop eating all that rubbish, which includes roti tisu, roti telur, roti kosong, nasi goreng paprik, indomee -- mamak food in general. Oh, and then there's also (no more) McFlurry's, no more KFC, no more instant noodles, no more Hello Panda. Good god. How will i ever stop? Chris says that he eats to live -- evidently, i'm the exact opposite. It has slowly begun to dawn on me that whenever me and the girls hang out, it's ALWAYS over food. Mamak food, cake, McDonalds, KFC, waffles, whatever. Why do i love food so much? It's just so wrong. I want to be thin, but i want food more.

Yeah 250 crunches -- gone within a few sips of this little plastic cup of heaven.

So maybe free-writing on my open blog isn't such a good idea, but whatever. I'm thinking of locking this blog up :D then i can say whatever i want~ Weeeee. But anyway, my mom came back from work today, and the moment her car pulled up onto the drive i knew she had gotten durians. YUM. So after dinner me and the parents and the cousins started with opening up the durians and eating :D yumyumyum. Food makes life good. But anyway, it got me thinking about how lucky i am (as again) -- and then i remembered my ex-schoolmate who passed away just yesterday morning, and it's so weird because i believe i didn't speak even ten words to him, but i can remember him so clearly, walking around the foyer in his prefect's uniform. And it's just so strange, i can't quite process it. He's only 19 years old this year, but he's gone, just like that. And why did he leave? What made him different from me, or anyone else who is still walking and breathing and living today? Why was it him that had to go? Is there a reason for this, at all?

And then i realize.

That all of this truly is meaningless after all. We are the people that give meaning to the accidents that happen everyday. A thought crossed my mind today, that maybe if only i had bothered to say hi to him, or speak to him, during one of the many times we saw each other around in school, maybe i would've known him a little bit, and because things usually lead on from one thing to another, knowing him probably would've led on to Something Else, and i could say that he existed (in my life) for that Something Else. And then it wouldn't have been meaningless, well not to me. Then he wouldn't be this person that i recognize, he wouldn't be this person that i can picture standing in the classrooms corridors, or walking around in the halls, and that wouldn't be all he was to me. Because that really is all he is. I have no memory whatsoever of him, nothing fond or familiar that i can attach to this person that i can picture so clearly in my mind -- someone that i don't even know if i've spoken to before. Have i? I can't remember, at all. I have a hunch that maybe we've nodded Hi at each other before, but even then i'm not sure.

But there. There's me trying to give meaning to this tragedy that happened. God knows i'm not saying that it's meaningless, i do not for even a moment doubt that him existing at all has left an impact on the many, many people around him. Family, friends, teachers, strangers -- but to me...well. I don't know ... maybe the fact that there's been a death in the neighborhood hasn't settled in yet, but i feel nothing...except wonderment.

Wow, he's gone.
And he was still alive 48 hours ago. Walking, breathing, living, laughing.
And we used to walk the same school corridors and halls, sometimes at the same time.
And he's only a year older than me.

------------

I went to Ikea today! Mucho loads of fun, the settings there are just beautiful.

Trying to act all gangsta' and stuff :P

Ah? <=D

And that's how i want my dream bed to be -- swathed in pillows.

We saw Nicholas Teo, and he looked ... like crap. Well okay to be fair, he looked like any typical Chinese guy who's been working too much and hadn't been sleeping at all. He didn't look at all like in the posters and all, and i didn't want to stare cause then it'd be rude -_- but it's definitely him because Xiang Lin was about to go up to him, and he turned to go to the toilet, and Xiang Lin asked the lady he was with instead, "is that Zhang Dong Liang?" and the lady sort of brushed her off, said "I don't know" and walked away quickly.

Then we came home and Xiang Lin went to his Facebook page and there was that picture of him wearing the exact same cap and spectacles that we saw him in today.

That's him in the cap and specs behind Ruby! We saw him again after that at the furniture checkout cashier.

So yeah. I saw a celebrity today.

Then me and the cousins went and explored Ikea and Ikano. And i went to the Popular on the top floor of Ikano, the one i used to go to twice or thrice weekly, back way before. And i saw so many things that i want today, so many furniture pieces, so many clothes, so many, many books.

But the one book i got,

is titled,

445 Days Under The ISA.

I know right? Wth? Well okay the book was almost half-priced compared to any of the other chicklits i wanted, and the intro was really interesting, and i suppose i should increase my general knowledge and all, get to know my country a little bit better.

Sigh well anyway.

Why, really, do we get to be here now?

Is it all really just a coincidence?

Lucky accidents.

Serendipity.

Maybe it's all really just random.

Maybe there's really no meaning to anything -- at all,

and we're all just really lucky to be, right here right now.

-----

Hector was the first of the gang
with a gun in his hand
and a bullet in his gullet
and the first lost lad to go under the sod.

Free-writing #1

2010-06-10T01:55:00.001+08:00

So i was just reading that college app essay writing guide thingy, and one of the suggested methods to spawn ideas is to do free-writing, which is to write for fifteen minutes nonstop, which sounds like fun actually, so here i go.

My internet isn't working right, which always happens after the rain, which is so annoying, because now i can't go on MSN and i can't access Blogger, so i'm typing this out on Wordpad which doesn't feel right, but whatever. To free-write would be to write out whatever's on my mind, and the truth is i'm not sure what to write about now. For the past few days i had this central topic in my mind, and this "topic" was a guy, and this guy was the epicenter of each thought that passed my mind. This happens always, and i never tire of it.

But that's not the case today, because i'm thinking about other things. Other things, such as popularity, and activism, and what i have been achieving lately -- which is nothing, really. It's nothing as compared to what other people are achieving, which is quite essentially the means with which i measure my progress. I don't know why i keep pressuring myself, and i think it's a good thing, but sometimes it's like i'm not doing anything about it except feeling pressured, which is just so stupid. I should buck up, but i don't really know what i want, and i guess it's true that i really don't have any specific direction i'm going in. I just know that i want to go to uni in the US more than anything else i've ever wanted (i think) and i'm so oriented in that direction that practically every single thing i do is aimed at edging myself closer towards that path.

So i'm going tree planting this Saturday! And i'm not saying that i don't actually give a shit about the environment and i'm only doing it because i want my US education, because i really do care about the environment, and this is something that i am genuinely interested in, but -- well yeah, that's it. I'm going because i've been receiving the event invites for Saturday-morning-tree-plantings since forever and i have never been to one and since i'm on holiday, i figure why not? Besides, i wanna meet other greenies, and get on my ass and start doing some stuff, cause it sure feels like i haven't been doing anything at all. But really, i very likely wouldn't be interested in such an event had i not been aiming for the US before this, because if i didn't have such a goal, i wouldn't have started looking for ways and means to get there, and then i wouldn't have gotten started on any of the community service or green action in the first place. This post sure is jumping from topic to topic, but this is all coming off the top of my 1:30AM head, and sometimes a part of me feels guilty, like i ain't really sincere about all these, and i don't really care about the environment, or peacebuilding, or the eradication of poverty, or climate change policies, and i should be shot because i'm just a pretender, i'm a fake, and i'm using ... using what? Not people, not really. Using the cause? I think the point is that a part of me feels like i'm being insincere, because i started off so.

But then i halt myself, and then i stop feeling guilty, because honestly, although i started off with only myself in mind, i now truly am passionate about all these causes. And that's what matters, right? Maybe i was faking it once, for only a short period of time, and then i realized the intensity of the impact of all these issues other people were facing. And these people that were dealing with these very real issues, although being very far away and also ones that i would very likely never meet in my life, these people were also very real, and we cannot even begin to fathom what they are going through right now, because that's how amazingly lucky we are.

So anyway, lately it's been creeping on the edge of my mind why i want to study in New York. Why do i want this so badly? I read blog posts of travelers in NYC and i feel this incredible tug of longing at the core of my chest, and i cannot find a way to explain it.

What is my motive for wanting to go there? What am i looking for? Happiness? Surely not, because i predict myself being considerably homesick, so far away from home. But beyond that? Beyond the homesickness, to find myself in NYC, having gotten there through a bridge of my own hard effort, after so many months of pushing myself and putting myself in places and positions that i don't quite like, all in the name of getting myself there... I don't know what i'm getting at, and i don't really know what i crave, i don't know what i seek. Myself, maybe? Or the world? Or other people? Or love? I really don't know.

Today, i found out that an ex-schoolmate passed away, and i just erased a paragraph that i wrote on this, because it lacks depth of any sort and is shallow, and does not deliver the respect that it ought to. So, what can i say? RIP.

Today, me and my dad and my cousins went by the McDonalds' drivethru after dinner, and my dad got his Quarter Pounder with Cheese and i got my McFlurry, and as we were pulling up around the bend towards the booth where we'd get our food, i was knocked with a sudden memory of six whole months ago -- the last time i'd been there at that drive through, also at night. We were bam in the middle of SPM, and my parents were out of town, and i was just done with Add Math tuition, and we didn't have any papers the next day. So they said that they were heading up to Lookout Point, would i like to go along? And i had never been there, so i said yeah, and off we went. But half of the group was missing, and so we headed on to that very McDonalds' to wait, five of us in that car, and we all got our McFlurry's at the drivethru. And then we went up to Lookout Point, the first time i'd ever been there, the first i'd ever shisha-ed, and the view was gorgeous, and this was six whole months ago, something i can hardly believe.

Six whole months?

What have i been doing?

I think this free-writing session has been pretty much crap.

Stupid post.

And you want three wishes:
One to fly the heavens
One to swim like fishes
And then one you're saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

shards of reflection

2010-06-06T03:21:00.000+08:00

Do you know what makes me happy?

Me + dirty window = vomit.

Jason Mraz.

Jason Mraz all the way.

And when i typed that a second ago i felt my eyes about to well up with tears wtf? I'm not PMS-ing, so what's going on? But seriously, i love J. Mraz so much, and if you were to ask me for the name of one significant person who impacted my life, i would say that it was him. And i know! It sounds so crazily frivolous -- like seriously, Jason Mraz?

But every time i feel tired or worn out or withdrawn, all i have to do is search his name on Youtube and go through the ever-increasing, inspiring plethora of videos of him and i feel myself getting better. I feel the weight lifting, and the lightness touching my shoulders, and suddenly the world becomes a better place, and life really is beautiful.

There's something about the song Make It Mine, that makes me feel so good. I listen to it in the mornings, the opening lines reminding me to not only physically get up, but also spiritually awaken right now. Wake up everyone/how can you sleep at a time like this. And [this] video version of that songs makes me smile all the way.

I'm constantly tired nowadays, and i don't even allow myself the time to pause and take a second to breathe or heal or open up my eyes to everything around me. I'm constantly rushing, and i'm so not "staying fresh". I don't know how to anymore, because everything's going by so fast, too fast, if i let go for just a second i won't be able to catch up. And that's fine, but it's just tiring. I don't read SuperForest anymore, i don't watch Ted.com anymore, and my Awesome blog is just dead. This is what longing is, then, because i crave for more time in a day, or better time management skills.

Or no more Facebook.

This is where i come home to.

Whatever it is, suddenly i just want to blog, because writing this down is so liberating, it's such a freeing, amazing experience. I love plucking all these words out from my heart and tapping my fingers on these keys that put my words together and create sentences and paragraphs of me that i am leaving out here for the rest of the world to see and read and comprehend. Since late October my life has been a series of crushes, which is really so much different for me because i so seldom used to get attracted to people, and now i seem to be getting attracted to every next person. I like someone and go crazy over him, and then when it's over, i get over them just like that -- and this is all so much fun, yes. It's just such a nice, nice feeling. Butterflies and yearning/lurching hearts and all that jazz.

But it's all so distracting.

And i can't focus.

So maybe after this one crush i should get real and start focusing on all the things that i ought to be doing. Because i have absolutely no idea how to terminate a crush just like that -- it's like killing a puppy. I just can't shut myself off, the weak little capricious fool that i am. Having all of these whims and following them is just so fun, and i better watch out before i become a complete self-centered, mindless idiot.

I'm working again tomorrow, and it's the same shit as before, but not so bad -- because it's only a two-day stint. So after tomorrow i will be refocusing on my goals, and setting my priorities straight. Because i don't want to fail, god help me.

oh and by the way

2010-06-03T23:38:00.000+08:00

SO TIRED. I should be sleeping now, eh i mean i should have went to sleep two hours ago, so that i won't be saying this same shit tomorrow, but here i am, and even if i sleep now it's too late anyway, SIX HOURS OF SLEEP JUST ISN'T ENOUGH.

I am so so so so scared. I keep imagining myself failing -- which is like the worst thing of all to do. It's the stupidest thing to do, i mean. But i can't help it. I can't imagine myself succeeding, cause these goals i have set for myself are too far up, and too far away. But maybe this is where i should stop doubting myself and focus on being fully motivated, fully impassioned.

Puerile matters aside, i seem to be losing grip of my English. It's just sliding, and i should be reading more books to fix this horror, but i simply cannot find time to sit down and read a good book. My mind wanders, and i want to be doing something else, i want to be online so i can read up on other more pressing issues, like that disaster that started in the gulf of Mexico and is spreading to the rest of the world. Like permaculture. Like fundraising ideas. Like love and gratitude. Like the dying EU currency.

Reading used to be my thing.

Books used to be my thing.

But today i realized that the one book that is so absolutely riveting (to me), that i can carry around with me everywhere -- it is titled Writing a Successful College Application Essay. So this is it then, this is what i have let take over my life. And i've been holding on so tight for the past 24 months that i don't know what's going to become of me if i let go. I let this ridiculous crazy dream of mine crawl under my skin and become so infused in me that i am worried i will lose a huge chunk of myself if i let this dream go. And besides, why shouldn't i try?

But sometimes, i catch a glimpse of it. It's easier, just a little bit. I can relax. I can focus on studying, on getting straight A's for once in my life. I can exercise. I can bake. No one's stopping me now, though. I can probably do it all, but first i'll need to manage my time. Oh sighs!

BUT NO.

I SHALL NOT GIVE UP.

RAWR.

(but wouldn't it be interesting to see what i become should i really "lose myself" if i let go? i mean, one has to be lost before she is found, and i do wonder what will be found of me. hmmms.)

I love my life so much. New life, new friends, new environment, new possibilities, new crushes, new everything. Everything is so perfect.

And you are far too tall, but so very fascinating.

super farts

2010-06-02T00:37:00.000+08:00

I'm so tireddddd. I'm so tired i don't know how to be awesome anymore. Or, actually, i am being on some level a little bit 'awesome', but it's how it used to be. It's not the kind of high that i feel i can (try and) spread anymore. Oh wells :(

Today! I had so much fun :) there's this super tall guy in my class, so tall it's so weird. Today he stood right behind me and i didn't realize, and i turned around and came face to 'face' with his stomach -- that's how tall he is, wtf. What else, what else... someone pointed at me and said quite loudly "this Malay girl." to which me and Yernny started shrieking with laughter at.

Why is it always so hilarious to me when people get confused at my race? "Are you mix?" "No, i'm Chinese." "*jaws drop*"

Then, i'm sorry i'm such a bad driver. I'm sorry to all the drivers that have the misfortune to drive alongside me on the road. I wish i can have a "I'm sorry i'm such a horrible driver" sign to hang on my window. And i'm so grateful that i haven't gotten into an accident yet =_= someone must be watching over me, i swear.

but you were nowhere

2010-05-31T00:44:00.000+08:00

I love love love Jason Mraz.

More accurately, i love this so so much:--

I don't know where i can get this version that can only be found on Youtube. This calming version that slows my heart down and infuses such a sense of serenity in me. This time last year, where was i? On the edge of change? This time last year, i was so in love with Mraz, listened to his songs everyday, and felt my spirit lift higher and higher with each track. It was so good.

It's faded a bit this year. And i've been finding it a little bit more difficult to bounce these few weeks. In the mornings i wake up and i'm not low, but i'm not high either. Always i find myself too tired to bother about getting myself high, so i just stay suspended. It's nothing great.

I need to get inspired again.

Men are not stupid. They're just insufficiently impassioned.

sepia

2010-05-28T00:44:00.000+08:00

I came home earlier and stole into my parents room for a shower, and playing on the radio was my mother's old, old, old Il Divo CD, and there was that soothing Italian music that had this sort of dusty familiarity to it. So after my shower i crept out of the room with CD in tow and am now listening to this very nice music while trying to relax.

Today was a pretty good day. It was a tiring day, it was a full day, and it was a good day i would say. I don't know actually, i can't quite differentiate the good days and the bad days anymore. That is, unless something totally crap happens. Otherwise, i just block out the unpleasant stuff and deem the day a good day. Why not, right? But today was a good day. Today i got to hang out with my new classmates whom i happen to like very much; i got to laugh till my tummy cried with those constants in my life, and yeah, why not, really? Today's a good day :)

I'm trying to relax right now. I'm trying to let the music seep in through my skin and soften my bones, but there's still this aching stiffness pressing down on my shoulders, and i am so, so, so tired, but there's so much more to do and i just don't know where to start. I'm pretty afraid, actually, i'm so worried i'll fail. But every time i think of this quote i get so motivated and i just KNOW that i cannot stop. The quote's something like, twenty years from now when you look back you'll regret more the things you didn't do as compared to the things you DID do. So, yeah, why not?

But sometimes i wonder what it's like to give up. Or, more correctly, let go. Maybe i should just relax. Maybe there's no point to all of this. Maybe what i want isn't really what i want, and if i succeed it probably wouldn't make me happy anyway. And that's so stupid right, putting in so much time and effort and sweat and tears for something that made me miserable after all. And maybe, you know, maybe it really is okay to not try so hard. And if i let go, then i wouldn't feel the pressure to do anything, and i wouldn't feel stressed, and i could focus on other things, such as finding a source of income so i can go shopping, or lose weight, or whatever, you know?

But yeah anyway. Whatever. It's Il Divo time now. Do you remember last time? Do you remember when we used to sneak into the canteen when it wasn't recess and order burgers? Do you remember when we got so disgusted when we realized what they did with the mayo? Do you remember when we stayed back after school for volleyball? Do you remember when we ditched classes, so excitedly, to discuss the plans for our great legendary charity drive that would save so many lives in Gaza? Do you remember when i used to be crazy over series like One Tree Hill and The O.C.? Do you remember when we put our heads together in classes and talked till we laughed and laughed till we cried?

Do you remember?

i wanna fly i wanna cry

2010-05-22T01:12:00.002+08:00

Omgomgomg so annoying!

WHY WON'T YOU GUYS JUST GET IT ALREADY!

I WILL NOT STOP DOING COMMUNITY WORK.

I WILL NOT STOP INVOLVING MYSELF IN CHARITY EVENTS.

I WILL NOT STOP BEING GREEN.

SO IT WOULD like, SAVE YOU ALL A LOT OF ENERGY TO JUST SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

IF I DON'T GET STRAIGHT A'S THEN IT'S IN MY FACE LAH OKAY? Diao, LIKE I NEED YOU TO REMIND HOW MUCH I NEED STRAIGHT A'S. KNN.

Like i need you to tell me that getting 2B's was my fault entirely. You think i dunno ah? I want to emphasize this: if i do not get straight A's in A Levels, then it's IN MY FACE. I am the one who will NOT be going overseas. I am the one who will not be able to get scholarships. I am the one who will be in pain. NOT YOU.

sjnslkfnmak HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SAY THIS.

JUST SHUT UP

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

--------------------

The former half of today was a pretty good day. I went to college, went for classes, made new friends, got to know better some other new friends, and chilled out with old friends. I went to the library and borrowed books. I went to a boutique and have decided that i want to go shopping tomorrow. I have decided that New York is still what i am aiming for. Simple as that. To go overseas as a student is something that i want more than anything else i know, and this is all still the same.

Except i came home. And then the high faded. And my moods declined. And i slowly became angrier. And angrier. I swore a lot in the past few hours, a lot a lot. I am so annoyed today. I am doing A Levels because this is what i chose. I KNOW what i want. I KNOW what i need. Me not getting straight A's in SPM is not because i did not understand fully what i needed, but because i failed massively in managing myself rightly. I know clearly what i want, and what i need in order to achieve that, and i WANT TO DO MY ACTIVITIES.

SO WHY WON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME DO IT.

STOP NAGGING AT ME.

STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO.

I am a fucking teenager, for chrissakes. I don't care about anything except having fun. I am selfish and i am childish, SO DEAL WITH THAT CAN.

And if i don't get straight A's in A Levels, I will be the one stuck in Malaysia forever. I will be the one whose dream won't be achieved. I will be the one that will have to do ACCA. After A Levels. CRAP COURSE AFTER CRAP COURSE.

And guess what.

NOT YOU.

ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT YOU!

RAWRRRR.

Chiong!

2010-05-15T01:36:00.002+08:00

No free moments to pause and look back -- it's time to rock this place :D moving forward now, with speed i likes. Here we go!

Rawrrrrrr

2010-05-11T12:37:00.000+08:00

So. There are many things i want to do. But i don't know how to go about it. I want to save the world (or save myself).

Okay LAH. First things first, STOP BEING SO DAMN LAZY.

I took out the ingredients for frying rice earlier and then put it all back in cause i felt lazy. I haven't had lunch yet. I haven't showered yet. Since i woke up i've been in front of the computer. This is what i came back from NS for? =-=

But i made friends yesterday, and therefore i cannot regret coming back from NS early. And class starts next week, which excites me so. I cannot wait to begin. I want to work hard, i want to strive, i want to push myself beyond what i think i can do. Sometimes i think i miss those weeks before SPM where i got so focused, and my world consisted of one goal and one goal only -- KICK SPM'S ASS. But this time i'm gonna do it well. This time it's for real. No more messing.

I also need to be patient. I can't have everything at once. I have to keep reminding myself of that. And i have to stop being so damn idealistic.

Funny thing :--i was telling Chris a couple of days back that i wanted to make it my life's goal to talk to a certain accomplished someone that i very much respect and admire (to which he said making it a "life's goal" was an overkill). Then he suggested why not -- instead of waiting to talk to him -- achieve something so remarkable that he would want to talk to me instead, which is a fawking awesome suggestion, isn't it?

WEEEE! College life! It begins now!

i'm losing my breath

2010-05-11T00:05:00.000+08:00

I'm so exhausted right now, yet so excited. Yet so sad, and so distant, and so separate.

People move on, and people forget. But what about those who remember?

And i'm so excited.

Yet so exhausted. And therefore tired. Why am i left with so many untied knots in my hands? Why are there no endings to the stories that begin? How can i embark on the following chapter, if the prologue isn't even inked yet? Too many empty pages, really, and i don't have a story to tell.

don't. stop. believing~

2010-05-08T10:21:00.000+08:00

I came home at 3 last night. Then i couldn't sleep, so i tidied up my room till it was 5 before trying to read some Poe. Then i woke up at 7.30. Then multiple times after that till now.

I'm going to the Glee Flashmob later. Jamie's party is tonight.

I just know i'm not happy. It's one of those times where you know something is wrong (ie. you can't stop questioning yourself), and there's some major self-reflection coming up.

So i don't have any goals in life. Apparently, wanting to go overseas as a student on scholarship isn't much of a goal. The way i see it, if i could achieve this one feat, well -- pretty damn frickin' proud of myself already. And i'm not talking about scholarships like JPA (although i likely wouldn't get this either) -- i'm talking about those impossible to get ones. But there. That sentence speaks for itself. But that's why i'm up for it, but apparently that's not good enough.

Problem #2. I'm too freakin' impatient. I don't know why. Why? I need to slow down. I thought i was quite spiritually fulfilled, but it turns out i'm not, really, because i can't stand not doing something. But wait, can that even be used as a metric for spiritual stability? I don't know.

Next.

Oh Pokok :( why why why. I'm starting to see a pattern here. Why does this keep happening to me!

I don't know what i want anymore. I mean, i know that i still want to go overseas, and i really look forward to cramming like mad for A levels while juggling my activities and social life and (hopefully) acing it all. Reading websites like Study Hacks makes me all revved up and ready to take on the challenge. But i don't really know what i want. I've never had a plan for after education, because is that really necessary? And what about the kind of person i want to be? I know the answers to all this, but maybe i'm wrong?

Right now it feels like i'm wrapping myself in too many layers of groundless confidence and arrogance, and i wonder if it's possible for me to lose myself under there.

This is such a stupid post. I will bounce back...tonight :) have an awesome day, you all.

periods are stupid

2010-05-07T02:08:00.002+08:00

Okay you know what. I'm blaming it all on the periods. See when i first entered camp and wanted to come home but couldn't and i kept crying, i had my period. Now when i'm out of camp and want to go back to camp but cannot, i also keep crying, i also have my period, so you know what?

IT'S THE PERIOD'S FAULT.

I'm normally quite sane! I think.

And i'm working it all out in my mind now anyway. I'll probably pop by to visit them one of these Sundays, and after camp's over for good and they're all out i'll force them all out to yumcha or shopping or whatever, and we won't lose touch, and all will be fine. I think. And as for Pokok, well, que sera sera.

So anyway, i was just thinking earlier that if only i had gotten just one more A in SPM, then i wouldn't have to go to KTAR, cause then i'd be in Inti in March. Then i realized that if i had gotten one more A, or 11 A's, then i wouldn't have gone to camp at all o_o like, whoa. What the hell? Everything does fall into place, dunnit? I know i was all i hate NS and people who say NS rocks are idiots! but you know what? NS was how i met those girls, and would i trade the experience i got in the past month for one/two more A's? I think not.

And i'm grateful :) for the girls i met in there. And i must say that i have never lived in a dorm before, so that was quite an experience. And i actually kayaked. And the obstacle course was fun. And then there was Pokok. Good god, the crazy crushes i've been having this year... well, at least it made things so much easier in there -- and i actually experienced genuine insanity, so, woots. Everything fell into place, i suppose. I think.

My favorite part of NS -- empty hours with the girls.

And all the crazy junk food we had.

Lingo's amazing smile :D

"Farewell party"

Princess(es) lolwtf

And then there was them~

Dorm 7.

Final hours :)

I've been fucking up a lot this year.

It's gonna be interesting :)

(btw i should probably clarify that i think that NS doesn't rock. The CiBai classes are still damn retarded and barely evokes inspiration; they still have too many taklimats and talks; and the programs provided for half of the entire program is a ridiculous. waste. of. time. As i have said many times before.)

when i feel pain, i am recovering

2010-05-06T11:20:00.001+08:00

I don't know why i came back, and i hate that i am here, and then when i remember that the reason i am here now is because of me, i hate myself, too. Why do i keep doing this to myself? Why can't i make up my mind? Why is it so hard to look forward -- or more accurately, why is it so impossible to not look back? Right now it is 10:45, and the girls are in the canteen right now having their drinks and bitching about classes, or talking crap. I can imagine some part of their conversations, where someone would say i wonder what's Jin doing now, and Winnie or Wan Yee or Mun Yi or either one of them, really, but more accurately Tze Yoong would say with that rare smile of hers, 一定在想我们的 -- which is so true, i miss them so much. It's all still so fresh in my mind, it's like i'm still there, and i can still feel the heat trapped inside the thick uniforms, and the people all milling around, and the trainers shouting at the trainees, and everyone sitting around talking crap. I miss Lingo's amazing smile, and i miss sharing lame jokes with Wan Yee, and i miss hearing Winnie so loud and crazy, and i miss being so high in the dorm with Mun Yi and Tze Yoong and Shek Kie, and i miss Poh Yoke and her cute giler English, and i miss scanning the crowd searching for Pokok, and i hate that i didn't get to tell him i was leaving, or say bye to him, or hear his funny voice again. If only i had waited a couple more days before i made my decision, i would still be in there, i know it. If only i hadn't been so rash. If only i could've been more patient. It all happened so fast, and i thought i'd have more time, but i guess even that wouldn't help because even if i left on Friday i'd still be so damn emo.

I'm pumped up to my eyeballs with regret, and i wanted to deny it at first. So i made a stupid decision, but if i act like i believe i made the right choice, then who's to call me stupid? But i don't care. I don't care. I made a dumb decision, again, and now it throbs in my chest, and it makes me want to tear my heart out and toss it away so it would stop hurting so much. I know all i'm feeling now is only temporary, and i'll be okay again tomorrow or Saturday, and it's all still burning because only yesterday morning i woke up in Dorm 7, and yesterday i could still look for Pokok and see him, and yesterday i still had some of those empty hours left in my pocket.

what have you done now

2010-05-06T09:24:00.000+08:00

If there's one thing i absolutely hate, it's all the what if's and should have's and could have's that permeate my life. Or any life, for that matter, because such thoughts only evoke doubt and bring you nowhere. Now is all we have, and Now is all that's real.

But everything's still spinning, and the dust hasn't even settled, and this is pain, not to forget absolute mindfuck. I don't know why i'm here, and i don't want to be here, and this is exactly like homesickness again, because what i want i want so, so much, and it drives me nuts that i can't have it. And this is all my fault, because i'm the one who made the decision, and the only person i can blame is me.

And it's so fucking hard to even believe that i made the right choice right now.

Why am i here?

stupid, stupid idiot.

today

2010-04-28T18:48:00.000+08:00

This is ridiculous. Going for National Service has made me disgustingly lazy. I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I don't even feel like going out. All i want to do is sit down and eat. What. The. Fuck.

I am back for five days, and i'm putting social work on hold. What can i do in five days? A lot. But i'm so fucking lazy right now i don't want to do anything anymore. This morning i woke up feeling incredibly disorientated and it felt like there was a cavity in my chest, a loud echoing hole that trembled so. It felt cold. It felt empty. I don't like it. It occurred to me that i have created for myself a couple more Homes over the past few months and now longing tugs at the corners of my heart, tearing it apart. I want to be there and everywhere, and not here.

I was afraid that this would happen, when i first entered camp. I was afraid of a lot of things, actually, but this one is actually happening. I saw how things were and i knew right away that to not be miserable there, i would have to adapt; and to adapt, i would have to slow down and stop doing so many things. It killed me at first to do that, and i even found ways to keep myself busy, Jin Rui-style. Broken pipe in the toilet, water wasted everyday, get teacher to fix it. But then i adapted, and now i don't even want to go out anymore.

I'm tired.

Please stop shouting.

Fuck.

swept away

2010-04-28T01:45:00.001+08:00

They say that people come back from National Service as changed people. I guess you could say NS is strange. From what i have experienced in the past four weeks, it has changed me. What is NS, really? They take you, and 400 other people, and they put all of you in a hole. And everyone wants to be anywhere but there, and they're sad, and with that they find friends in each other. And it's so strange, because four weeks ago i absolutely abhorred camp. I despised the ridiculous programs, the blue on the walls, and the strange creatures creeping about everywhere. The only things that brought me comfort were the planes that crawled the skies, one after another, continuously, solid reminders that one day i would be out of there, far far far away from this hell that was so disgustingly constricting.

But here we are. Here we are.

I am back for six days now, and i could've very well chosen to not go back in there. In another universe, or time, or world, i would be out of camp for good, never to take another step past that stupid fence, or bathe in their toilets, or get bitten by another Paya Indah mosquito or bed bug again. But today, i am here, and by Sunday night i'll be back in there again. And i don't mind. And people are asking me why? in that incredulous tone that i find so amusing, and i find that i cannot answer -- because my answer doesn't make sense. Because i have gone crazy. Spinning. Washed away with the ebbing flow.

I've been keeping a diary, so you could say that i remember the days very well. It doesn't feel like four weeks at all, but the pages filled firmly remind me that time has passed. The first week was so ridiculously slow, and the second week was half bad. The third week doesn't count, cause half of it was spent at home, and the forth week just sped on by.

There's so much i want to say, but i find myself refraining. I am in awe, i am -- i marvel at the incredible mess that stands before me. Even in the pain of the first days there, i knew that i wouldn't want to leave there, and i was right. I don't really want to leave. Over the next six (five) days, my brain will most likely come back, and i probably will change my mind, but that's that. That's the beauty of Every Now Moment. Everything's just a passing thing -- and all is well.

in a night or in a day

2010-04-15T17:00:00.000+08:00

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand --
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep -- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

gracias

2010-04-14T00:44:00.000+08:00

Are you happy right now?

I am happy right now. My life right now is perfect. My life is mediocre. I have amazing friends. I have amazing parents. I have me. I have my mindsets and my goals and my dreams and my principles. I know what i know. I believe what i believe. I have a nice bed that i can sleep in tonight, and i have people that i can meet tomorrow. I have my computer, and i have air conditioning. This is nothing special. Many people have this. Many people have air conditioning. Many people have nice beds. Many people have nice friends. But how many people are this happy? I cannot count the number of times i find myself just a slightly bit afraid, because i am so lucky right now, to be where i am now, to be who i am now. And no one can possibly be this lucky right? It's just not right. There must always be bad to balance out the good. On second thought, my life is awesome. Everything has fallen into place perfectly.

I just think i'm so lucky. Is that normal? But then who cares about normal? Why do people want to be normal anyway? Because they don't want to be noticed? Because they don't what to be given the whats-wrong-with-her eye? But i cannot deny the moments in which i feel so exhilarated, so grateful for everything i have.

I should get over myself.

I just spent the evening with the girls. And we got so high. And we walked around, from streetlight to streetlight till we covered the entire area. And we sat on swings, and we sang songs, and we filled our tummies, and we laughed, and yes i do not mind going back to camp, and i do not know whether i want to finish camp or come out early, but i do know that it's okay. Because everything's going to be fine. Everything's gonna be all right. We just have to trust, we just have to stop resisting.

:)

like, oh my GAWD.

2010-04-12T15:50:00.000+08:00

How do i describe this feeling? This swell of familiarity and rush of exhilaration. The tabs on the top bar, Gmail: Email from Goo....; Facebook | Home; SuperForest; Freshness Factor Five... my old friends. This must be how dependent on the internet i have become. When cut off from all these for just a few days i had very inconveniently sunk into a depression that, when thrown into the mix with all the homesickness, became ridiculously crippling. Away from home for the first time for so long on my own. Now i wonder how i had the courage to bring myself to do this. Then again, i didn't really think about it, did i? I just rushed right into this without a second thought, cause of course i knew that it would be hard and the idea of it was absolutely terrifying.

So it's been two weeks, and here i am. Seven days ago i really would have died to be here. Seven days ago i would have taken one step into this house and melted into the ground with relief and joy. But i've been keeping a journal, and on day ten i stopped being sad.

And i'm fine.

Today all i feel is worn out =.= and not in the mental way either.We have such long days in camp, two weeks feel like so much more. Now i just want to sleep and not worry about bed bugs, but apparently i miss being online more than my health.

On another note, i think i'm really lucky. I'm so lucky to be who i am, where i am now.

And this is it, the moment i've been waiting for for two weeks. My Now moment. I don't know what my next step will be, and i don't know where time will bring me. I may not get the guy, i may not lose any pounds, i may not get to go overseas, but everything's gonna be all right. I may not get my National Service certificate, and my plans may not work out, and maybe somehow when i get out of camp my old interests will have paled, but that's okay. Everything is a mess, but all is well.

I guess i'm typing this post now not because i want to talk about bed bugs, or all the new scratch scars over my body, or the frogs in the toilet, or standing in the sun in multiple layers of clothing under the burning afternoon sun, or sleeping in a dormitory, or the worms everywhere. Not that, not really. I just want to express how grateful i am, and how i just can't believe my luck.

Yernny, Ze, Sand and Ruby, for what you guys did to help mollify my homesickness. Kaye, for your uber cute note. And Sheena, whose note reduced me to tears :) when life starts to suck a little bit i think of you guys and feel a little better. Also, being away has helped me realize how fortunate i am at home, and how attached i really am to my parents and home in general. Another thing probably applies to every other camp, but you have no idea how gratified i am that everyone in this PLKN is so friendly. I'm serious!

So yeah, camp really sucked at first. My moodswings were CRAZY, but all is well.

All is well. I'll be back in camp in four days, and i surprise myself by saying this, but i guess i don't mind.

Breaking the silence...

2010-04-05T23:54:00.000+08:00

Oliveskies is now officially hacked くふふふふふふふ。。。

Kidding. I'm sort of guest blogging?
Or more like helping the real owner of place of rest to break the silence here before it really turns into a place that rests... *lame pun*

Anyways, here's what the person you people have been missing tons have to say~!

Today is Sunday, my sixth day here in National Service.

The weather here is ridiculously hot and stuffy, and the constitution of the programs are to be questioned, but the people here are a whole different sort all together.

I have never found it easier to make new friends.

Its a whole new environment here, and I'd be lying if I said that everything's been 'awesome'.

To be real, I seem to be having a drought of some sort in terms of spiritual enrichment.

But I'd also be lying if I didn't say that we (or most of us) are all going through this together.

We're all sad.

We're all homesick.

We're all giving out best.

We're all going through this together.

And this is all impermanent.

Happy Living in Every Now Moment.

Stay Real.

tuuuuut

2010-03-26T11:43:00.001+08:00

Mode : activated

And there was once

2010-03-24T01:45:00.000+08:00

I remember, in Singapore last week, when we were all cramped into my cousin's room. There were five of us -- four on the floor, one on the bed. The first night the blanket wasn't big enough, and between me and my brother who slept at the sides, we snatched at the blanket amidst our sleep-ridden stupors. The second night though, there was the rather childish refusal to sleep. And my other brother came in, with his girlfriend, with our aunty, with our mother, and together the nine of us sat there and talked and laughed.

And then when everyone else left and it was just the five of us again, we looked up jokes on the internet, told it among ourselves, and we had such wonderful belly laughs. And when they say that it is not days that we remember, but moments, i agree -- because those are one of the moments that i find i can return to and feel fulfilled.

Here i am now, living out another one of those days that i find that i am indeed quite lucky after all. And i wonder where can time bring me after this. Will things be different this year? Or will everything just simply blend in? Will i finally feel what the hype's all about? Will i get to live the life that i wish to live, or will it forever be a distant, echoing wish? One day i must go to the Starbucks in the Gardens, where it is considerably quieter. By myself i will go, with nothing but a good book, and a good drink, and i will sit there and have conversations with myself. One day, forever so reachable, yet so far away.

But for now, the good ol' belly laughs will do.

then again

2010-03-22T20:03:00.001+08:00

No, seriously, i want to know.

Do you love?

Me?

<3

:D

:O

XD

the wiling temptation

2010-03-22T19:52:00.003+08:00

I have something to announce.

Today.

While having dinner (yes, diet fail shut up).

I suddenly felt the impulse

to

play

Parking Dash.

Tadah.

BUT NO.

I WILL NOT SUCCUMB.

NO I WILL NOT.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *tears hair out

See this mindset i'm attaching to myself -- even now i can see how much of a headache it'll give me in the future. But there's still so much more to do!

I'm still so useless!

Rawr!!!!!!

Things to do (reasons why i shouldn't download Parking Dash right now):--

scholarship applications NEED to be completely ASAP
read a book
make scrapbook
read up on why palm oil is so bad
read that Study Hacks website thingy
become more interesting
become less ugly (bit of a problem there)
~~become less fat~~ become hot
become wise
enrich soul
update awesome blog
read improveverywhere.com
find a way to generate income
collect certificates from TKD instructors

I am so broke it's not even funny =-=" but wait, i've said that before, and it IS funny wtf T^T

I'm becoming damn kiasu already wadafak wadafak wadafak.

BUT HOW CAN I CHILLAX.

THERE IS NO TIME OR SPACE TO CHILLAX.

What's funny is that i still haven't watched House MD season 2, or that Taiwanese series that i bought last year -- both of which i intended to watch after finishing SPM. But here i am -- caught up in a whirlwind, and it's been so amazing i don't want it to stop.

I think that as people we have to struggle to free ourselves from being in love. Which is to say, we're always in love. And love is such a fun thing to be in. And i feel rather cheesy. I dunno, what i feel is a mixture of happy tinged with a paralyzing sense of emergency because i have nothing to do right now. But i love, yes i do love =)

Do you love?

If i were

2010-03-21T14:03:00.000+08:00

Time came a-creepin', oh, and time's a loaded gun
Every road is a ray of light, it goes o-o-on
Time only can lead you on
Still it's such a beautiful night

~~~~~

someone else

   in another time

       in another place

             in another life

would it be better?

~~~~~

Zee Avi's voice is quite captivating. And she is very endearing. Si comel :) she makes it easier to be proud to be Malaysian.

cold feet

2010-03-19T23:05:00.000+08:00

Sheeeeeez, man.

The nerves are driving me nuts.

Please don't let Murphy's Law apply to tomorrow.

=( i don't know if i should hope for the worst so that i can jinx it all from happening, or if i should hope for the best so that... you know, the power of the mind or whatever.

Arrrrrrrr. SHIT. MAN.

WTF.

from the rooftops i remember

2010-03-19T01:32:00.001+08:00

Everything's rushing by so fast, and so much is happening these few days it feels strange. It's only been a month since i went to Australia, but it feels like so much more than that. Maybe some ideals are meant to be crushed. Maybe some dreams just don't come true. After all, if all dreams came true, then....then what?

But that's ridiculous. According to the Brick Wall theory, the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want what they want enough. They're there to separate us from the people who don't really want to achieve their dreams.

So maybe that's the difference. Challenges pop up everywhere, dunnit?

I was reading the blog of a girl one year my junior, currently in high school and facing SPM in a few months, and it struck me how much i miss school life. There's a reason why people fall into routines and never get out -- because it's just so easy. Wake up in the morning (feelin' like P. Diddy), get ready, go to school, have fun, go to tuition, study. And of late i have found myself trapped in moments in which i wished desperately i could backtrack one year and work harder for everything. Plan better for the events that never were, correct all the mistakes that happened, studied harder. From where i stand it seems like it was so much easier when we were in school.

Then again, it's all in my mind. And there isn't much of a difference, anyway. The only contrast is that i had more time then, and i have less time now. The dreams i chose to chase appeared to be much so distant then, that the sense of urgency was never quite constantly there. But now -- now it's always here.

~ I wonder what might happen if i left this all behind. ~

I suppose the state that i am in now is called shock. Seldom have i encountered such blatant discouragement so constantly. Well, the brick walls were meant to pop up sometime, anyway. And i refuse to give up, i simply refuse. I hold on so stubbornly -- does that make me stupid? Does that make me foolish? Some part of me thinks so. Some part of me feels stupid, feels like everyone else thinks i'm stupid. But how can i let go? How can i live with myself then? That's not who i am, that's not who i'm meant to be. You say i'm too young to be so convicted, but i somehow am. This is the one thing that i am absolutely sure of. And it tires me to have to say this again but i do not regret. I do not regret, so why do you? Why won't you just leave me alone? I regret nothing. Everything that has happened, has fallen into place like this, and i believe that everything. happens. for. a. reason. Nothing is ever in vain. I'm not just saying that for the sake of saying it, but i sincerely mean it. Maybe this is the cost of it then -- 2B's instead of straight A's, for the person that i have become today. For i am inspired, and i have goals that push me to work beyond what i thought i can do, and i dare to speak to other people now, and i find that somehow, even while the foundation of which i had been standing on for the past two years had cracked and crumbled beneath my feet, i could still tell myself that i was lucky to be here, now. How can i regret this? How can i want to change any of this? How can you expect me to regret this? I don't, so stop telling me that i should not have joined this, or done that, or participated in this, or helped out with that. There's nothing to regret, so just leave me alone, please.

I put myself in the competition, now. Sometimes i ponder how i have to audacity to even consider myself in the competition, for i consider myself so not qualified. But i'm trying, and i'm giving it my all. And everything's moving so fast now, and i wonder how long it will be before i yearn to get away from this all.

Love*3

2010-03-15T00:58:00.000+08:00

This is so much fun, i could do this foreverrrrr. The rush of exhilaration and the thrill of doing something. This is awesomeeee.

Geez man, i move on real fast.

:D

contemplation

2010-03-12T14:08:00.000+08:00

(click)

Give up or not?

Grow up or not?

Be realistic or not?

one motherchucking giant brick wall.

2010-03-12T01:53:00.002+08:00

When people say things like "Dare to Dream", do they realize how deep their words run? Today i discovered that it genuinely takes courage to dream.

I couldn't recall ever feeling this horrible.

Rock bottom, baby.

So many negative emotions in one day, and it all came crashing down just like that, and when things fall apart this way, when so much is at stake, there's really nothing you can tell yourself to make yourself feel better. Self-imposed humiliation and disappointment were the themes of today.

But maybe that's not all. I was about to say that the next time i dream, i wouldn't ever dare to let my hopes climb so far up again, because today opened up my eyes a little. I suppose, in a way, today i should've "grown up" a little bit. Today i should or would have became a little more jaded, a little more worn out, a little less idealistic. But this isn't what it's about. This isn't what life is about.

Because to do that would be to give up.

So i hit a roadblock. Now all there is left to do is take a damned detour and find another way to get what i want. So this is one huge brick wall, and that's what it is. There, diagnosed. We can move on now.

Today, it all came crashing down on me -- and no matter what anyone else says, the only person to blame is me. Today i realized that i am pretty dumb after all; that maybe, i am the one who's all talk and no action. I have the audacity to say things like "if she/he/they can do this, then why can't i?" and i say things like "if i want to do it, then i CAN do it." -- but in the end this is what i get. FAIL. It's quite a dampening realization to come upon, and it makes my cheeks burn a little bit.

I almost gave up today. In fact, i think i did. I gave up, resigned myself to the hopelessness of it all, let my aspirations slip away, wallowed in self-pity.

But as it happened, I picked myself up.

It still hurts a little, but tomorrow's another day, and we all gotta be strong ;)

Shit happens. Life was going too good for me, anyway, something shit was bound to happen. And i brought this upon myself anyway. And nobody said that this was gonna be easy. Besides, i have too much fun -- that ain't right. Also, this is probably how it's meant to be. Like many other things that have been absolutely shit of late, this must be how it is meant to be.

Blessings in disguise.

If it wasn't this it'd be something else.

Friar's lantern.

At the end of the day, i fucked up big time. I messed up. I failed. I never learn. I admit it. I accept it. I embrace it. It is all my fault, because not only could i have done better, i should have done so.

And i've probably ruined it all.

.

There's more to life than this. There has to be.

For the videos that give me goosebumps,

Celine Dion, Jamie Foxx, Adam Levine, Pink, Jennifer Hudson, Josh Groban, Mary J. Blige, Enrique Iglesias, Michael Buble, Jason Mraz, and MORE.

I got the chills. Didja see Mraz? Didja? Didja? :)

.

Life sucks. My fault. But we gotta move on. Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. And this is just a brick wall, it's just a brick wall.

panic attack

2010-03-11T12:23:00.002+08:00

I try not to think about it, because in the end, it's only results. It is important only because I make it so, after all. But that is the thing, I suppose, the dangerous part, for I have placed all of my hope and aspirations on this, so much that the significance of today has escalated so, and it has spilled out of my control. We should never fear failure, never. But the mere idea of it occurring today sends my way snatches of icy, paralyzing panic, and I don't know what to do with my self. In a way I am excited for what today will bring -- and then again, a part of me doesn't want to leave this space that i have created for myself.

.

But here i am again, dramatizing things.

This is only a small part of the bigger picture.

I've gotten way too deep into this.

Well, let's just enjoy the ride.

I'm off to school now. Here goes nothing.

-11th march '10

Today

2010-03-10T23:55:00.000+08:00

"Did you bring your swimsuit?"

"Yeah, i did, it's in my bag."

"So go put it on, we'll go for a short swim."

"Are you serious? But it's so bloody hot.......okay, let's go."

At 3 in the afternoon today, while the Malaysian sun burned down from the sky, we jumped into the empty pool and basked in the heat. At first all i could think about was how much darker i was becoming, and that tomorrow i'd be seeing too many familiar faces who would once again comment on the darkening of my skin tone...

...then i just let go, and started enjoying myself. Closed my eyes and stared at the back of my eyelids, which incidentally glowed a bright orange from the sunlight. T'was awesome.

Came home and had dinner, and then went out for a drink with my favorite people,

Chatted nonstop for hours. How is it that we can't seem to run out of things to say to each other? Absolute love! ♥

What else did i do?

Met up with Nat and Siang Loong,

got called "neh, that girl arrr.... very black one ah" (and he said it so hastily, as if i wouldn't hear!)

spoke to Daniel,

had fun.

Today's just another day, really, but it's one that i find that i value very much. Today, i still do not know; and the future remains a far off, hazy, hopeful, crazy dream. Today, anything is possible.

And tomorrow.

Tomorrow we'll get a slip of paper, and that's that. That's all i can handle, really, because if i think it through any further than that a twist of panic contorts my insides, and i begin to feel cold all over. So tomorrow's just another day.

sunrays come down

2010-03-08T22:57:00.000+08:00

I should go and make my scrapbook now.

Then again. Spending too much time online can be fun, i guess.

I freaking love Love Inspiring Tricia for encapsulating absolutely everything that i want to pass on in my other blog in one simple post such as the one i have just linked.

Now.

READ THIS. You HAVE to.

I want to save the world. I want everyone to feel loved. I want everyone to know that they are perfect. We are all going to be okay. We don’t have to try so hard. We just have to be. We just have to follow our hearts and do what we want. We don’t need to be perfect, we already are. We don’t need to be the same. We don’t need to be angels. It is okay to be the devil. We can be whatever we want to be. We get to create it. We all have wings. We all have horns. You don’t have to be vegan. You don’t have to be raw. You don’t have to turn off your TV. You can have blue hair. You can have perfectly placed blond highlights. You can dress in the top designers. You can wear army boats and a trench coat. You can hula hoop. You can think hula hooping is lame. You can burn candles, or incense, or aromatherapy, or firewood, or books. You can hunt. You can belong to PETA. You don’t have to agree with everyone. You don’t have to disagree with everyone. WE CAN all live here on this earth together. We can be complete opposites and still have love and respect for each other. I will love you no matter what. You don’t even have to like me. You don’t have to agree with me. You can be whoever you are and I will still love you. I love you. Even, if I don’t know you, I love you. WE are all here on this earth. We are all just figuring it out the best we can.

Did you read it? You have to T_T she is absolutely uh-may-zeeng.

Moving on, today was the first time i baked something and it tasted absolutely like crap. I mean, i've always baked stuff that looked like crap, but it ALWAYS tasted all right. Maybe a little too sweet, maybe a little too rich, but NEVER crap.

Unfortunately. The way in which i improvised today absolutely fudged up the recipe, so...I'M TRYING AGAIN ON WEDNESDAY. MINUS ALMOND ESSENCE. Which i will NEVER use again, ever.

Oh btw. The diet that i was so gung-ho about a few posts ago? Absolute fail :) and loving it. Unfortunately, i'm getting too fat, so i guess i won't be meeting up with Roshan when i'm in Singapore this week =P sorry dude.

I think i'm having moodswings today. lmao. I actually feel like running around and dancing and shouting (out of glee) but then another part of me really wants to lie down and die =.= i want to dig out my chest, rip my heart out and throw it into the shredding machine.

The only thing stopping me is that i don't have a shredding machine, so who wants to get me one? (6)

This is so fucking stupid. Why am i messing around like this anyway? Fucking mind games i hate mind games i hate mindfuck i hate everything T____T

Actually, no i don't hate everything. I love a lot of things.

Mental note to ownself: remove this blog's link from Facebook profile.

Yes, boy, break it now. Then we can watch as perfection falls apart and flutters to the floor. And the pieces will lie at our feet and we'll weep for a while, oh yes, we'll shed tears, but then we'll move on, and that's how we will grow, that's how we will grow.

breathers

2010-03-08T03:16:00.000+08:00

FOR NEW BEGINNINGS!

Well, i figured that since i have my positivity blog up already, i can revert this blog back to the previous one, so yeah -- .place of rest is back, and so am i! New layout, because the previous one was a bit messed up in that it blew up ALL my pictures into ugly, extremely pixelated images.

So yeah, this blog is now where i take some time off, and rant, and maybe write. I think i'm wearing my soul a little thin these days -- i don't listen to good music, i don't write, and worst of all, i don't read anymore. The last part hit me suddenly yesterday, when during my break i ran off to Borders, picked up a book and sat down in a corner. Then i tried to read, and it felt like i was visiting a long-lost best friend that i once could not have lived without.

No wonder i can't write anymore.

I still love the bookstore though. Oh, i still love Borders so much. Compared to the imposing glare of the lights and excessively cold, air-conditioned air of the supermarket, it brought on an overwhelming and much needed sense of relief and peace.

Time is flying, time is flying :( it makes me feel rather wistful. What are we do to? We're all having so much fun drowning ourselves in everything that it all will be over before we know it. SPM results will be out this Thursday. I mean, what the hell? The holidays are drawing to an end, and it's all happening so fast, too fast. Wasn't this supposed to be our long holiday? The three month holiday. Three-month holidays are supposed to last longer than this, aren't they? What have i have done in the last three months anyway? Not enough, maybe, or so much that i have forgotten them all.

So i have tomorrow, Tuesday and Wednesday off. And then i will know.

=( i probably won't get my straight A's. Or i'll get 11 A-'s, or 5 A-'s, or 10 A's and 1 B, or something. In which case i might as well have failed the whole exam. Then I'll be stuck in Malaysia forever. And it'll be entirely my fault, because i most likely didn't do my best. Yes, i'm rather neurotic like that.

But anyway.

I think it's sad how people sometimes let go so quickly. Friends fade into memories, and memories are left untouched. And it all doesn't do the moments that happened justice, at all. Because the moments that existed were such vibrant ones. Then again. If we all held on so tightly, we probably would never move on. And life's too short to stay stuck in one single epoch for too long. And there will be other moments anyway. Well, with all that said, RIP.

So.

This is where i grew up.

I think the present owners fixed it up.

I love it when things are like this. When a new wave is about to fall, i just can't wait to rush into it all. College! Baking! Events! Work! Meeting new people! Maybe this is the best part of everything, when you wait to see just how everything falls into place. When you know that there's so much more of life that you can live, and how lucky you are that that is so.

Just beautiful.

Joy.

abundance

2010-03-04T11:24:00.003+08:00

Today, i woke up to the snapping realization that gone was my voice, and in it's place was a strange hoarse, throaty-but-not-quite-sexy rasp. Clearly, it was not a choice for me to go to work today. I can only imagine the looks of horror on the poor innocents' faces when i walk up to them and choke, "Miss, have you ever tried using So-and-so Brand's product?"

So today i guess i have an abundance of time, a situation in which i found myself so seldom caught in before this, i am now rather startled. Yes, i can't believe my holidays are so nearly over. In fear of wasting my time, i enrolled in a Japanese course in January, went to Australia in February, and i have found myself a job this month.

Tempting as it is to spend today stoning, i know i shouldn't! There's so many more things to do, and i'm still lagging behind very badly in terms of excelling -- so, a to-do list for myself, things which i die-also-MUST-do by the end of today.

find out about and t&c and the eligibility for students to study in Australia
find out about scholarships to study in Australia
catch up on my Japanese
learn how to use Google wave
check for writing competitions
bake

So yeah, i haven't been enjoying my job very much, it probably would help if the pay was boosted a couple of bucks per hour, but then again my job is so unbelievably simple (and tedious) that, really, who am i to complain? Basically i spend 70% of the time waiting for people to walk into my aisle, and the remainder of the time is spent saying, "Miss, if i could take a second of your time to introduce this product to you?" or "Miss, have you ever tried this product?" when what i really mean is, "Can you just take this sample, leave your details, and PLEASE buy something?! Kthxbi."

But anyway. I'm here for the experience, so no complaining! It wasn't meant for us to go through life resisting everything we don't like.

Today, i find myself fortunate enough to have accidentally run into a whole full day of nothing-to-do. Today, i am in abundance.

What are you in abundance of today?

<3

2010-03-02T18:01:00.001+08:00

i can hardly believe this.

Could it be that i Finally see the light?

positive vibrations

2010-03-02T10:19:00.005+08:00

Natasya Falina = Giving it back to make you smile says:
hahaahh ya well it'll be fine!!!
u can be positive
start jumping around
and scream happy happy happy
weeeee~

.

.

Real power is the quiet but certain understanding that everything that comes to us works for the good of us, no matter what it is.

(why isn't it helping?)

#99

2010-02-28T18:41:00.004+08:00

I feel resigned, and drained. I'm tired of feeling sad, of craving something i cannot get, of housing this feeling of longing that rages so, and refuses to be put to rest. I'm tired of being the one who has nothing to say at gatherings because there is nothing else on my mind. I'm tired of being the one who, when she talks, only speaks of the same thing repeatedly, because there is nothing else on my mind. I'm tired of being obsessive. I'm tired of waiting. And i'm so, so, so tired of feeling sad.

This is what i thought i was missing out on. This is what i thought would be fun to experience. This is exactly what i thought i wanted, simply because it would be something new. It would be different. But isn't this why they all warn us to be careful of what we wish for?

Because you just might get it all.

I know this can only make me stronger -- but this is it. I'm on the verge of my sanity here, and this is enough. I have had enough. I'm sorry i asked for this, and i don't want this anymore.

I'm so tired, and i just want to hide, but who will take me? I find that there's no where i can go, and i really don't want to be lost again.

sometimes

2010-02-26T18:52:00.002+08:00

All it takes is a little reaffirming, and as always it comes from my favorite man :)

~Awful happens all the time -- don't let it kill you.~

On another note, the song of the moment is Stuck in the Middle, by Mika.

The first time i heard this song was when i was fifteen, and when i had just gotten to know Sheena, who happened to be completely crazy over Mika.

The bug got caught on me. I loved each of his songs, especially this one.

Before, i imagined my days now to be a vibrant spin of colors and life and laughs. The laughs and life are still here, but somehow the colors are fading into this deep gray monotone. The idea of missed opportunities have always struck a morose, if sympathetic note in me -- and now it has happened to me. But c'est la vie.

I do know that i am a very lucky person. I know this with conviction.

I also know the colors will return. Soon they will come in trillions of bright, sparkling shades that i could never have imagined, flooding my world into a vast ocean of storming, vivid life. Which is how it is supposed to be. Reverberant. Vivacious. Intense. Alive.

I will be me once more.

All i have to do now is wait.

war!!!

2010-02-25T11:18:00.002+08:00

Okay, so shit happens right? But we all know the bad stuff doesn't last, it can't last, because that's just not how things work. Bad things happen, but good things happen too, you know, yin & yang and all that jazz wtf. Anyway!

I am deeply saddened to announce that...

i ...

have ...

...

.......

...........

gained....

weight.............

T_______________T

FML!

And this time i can't even lie to myself by saying that i haven't really gained that much weight because...the numbers don't lie.

They just don't.

Once again, fml fml fml fml T__T

So today marks the official commencement of my diet. AND I MEAN THIS I WILL DIET FOR REALZZ WHY ARE YOU SHAKING YOUR HEAD AT THE COMPUTER!!!! I have the determination of a ... cow ... dragging ... uh .... horses ... or ... uh, bulls, uh, whatever. The point of the matter is that my determination is of mythic proportions and I WILL NOT BREAK.

I WILL NOT EAT RICE.

I WILL NOT EAT CHAR KUAY TEOW.

I WILL NOT EAT MY FAVORITE OVERPRICED OLD TOWN IPOH HOR FUN.

I WILL NOT EAT ANY OF THE CHOCOLATES FROM AUSTRALIA THAT NOW FILLS MY REFRIGERATOR.

NoooooOoOOooOOoooooOooOoOoOOoooooooooooo.................................... T____T

another me post

2010-02-25T01:18:00.004+08:00

I had a very apt name for this post earlier, but i have forgotten it. It is 1:15 AM now, but for my body it very likely it 4:15 AM. It's no wonder my brain is barely functioning.

So i'm back. Last December i agreed to forgo national camp and go for this holiday. I got on the plane two Thursdays ago, free of expectations, unassuming and unsuspecting. I was in for a vacation, that's all, twelve days off -- no stress, no nothing. I'd be going away, and when i came back, i would be me once more.

But now everything's twisted beyond recognition, and i'm so confused, more than i've ever been. To sum it all up, i am thrown. I don't know what i want anymore. Do i go on with A levels and try for American colleges? Do i do a twinning program? Do i not bother and just finish everything in Malaysia? Much to my agonizing distaste, i do not like either of these choices. This reaction to the latter two options is not surprising, but what is giving me this ridiculous headache now is that i find myself cold to the idea of American colleges too, because i have now fallen in love with Australia.

Or maybe my perspectives are all messed up right now. Maybe i need a few days to recover from all of this. Maybe next week i'll wake up, and i'll have my goals in order, and i'll have something to work towards.

This is so weird. For a while now i have been putting this constant pressure on myself to just be ... better. So that i can potentially be an "outstanding" applicant, someone remarkable, someone memorable, someone that can be considered among thousands of other incredible applicants. But if i switch directions now...can the pressure come off?

I don't know what i want anymore, and this makes me feel so terrible.

And everything's moving too fast, and i just want

sanctuary.

Mou Liu

2010-02-11T01:54:00.002+08:00

What happens when you skype at 2 a.m.?

Yernny : So you no credit ar?
Me : Yesterday top up already...
Yernny : And then what happened?
Me : And then.... uh .... *tries hard to think what happened*
Yernny : Did i actually just ask that?
Me : LOL. And i was actually trying to think of a response.

Okay. Sorry if you don't get the joke. SO SLEEPY. Yernny is still talking. I'm actually not listening. I don't think she's actually concentrating on what she's saying though. LOL. Why do we do this?

i feel like walking the world

2010-02-10T00:08:00.004+08:00

So far, 2010 has been pretty fulfilling :) i've started my positivity blog, took up Japanese, met new people, kept up with old friends, made new friends, spent more money in a month than i usually spend in six months, made a complete fool of myself, and had so much fun that it's just wrong.

It's only been six weeks, but it feels like another chapter of my life is now approaching. In another aspect, it feels like something else is drawing to an end. Maybe it's the end of my Japanese course. Maybe it's going somewhere else so far off for a while.

Rebirth :)

And there is no better time than now to express gratitude.

Thank you parents, for supporting my crazy expenses.

Thank you friends, for instilling in me this love for lepaking. It has been so, so awesome. Thank you Yernny and Suze, for always being there, for listening to me talk about the same thing forever, and for not fading even though we're now out of school. Thank you, 6SOS, for being the most fun bunch possible to do what needs to be done, with. Thank you, Sheena & gang for always making me laugh myself stupid. I never laugh this way with other gangs. Thank you, Victor, for 'gracing' us with your guy presence. You happen to be one of the VERY few guys we regularly asked to join us when we hang out. Hope you didn't mind being the only guy most of the time (equal dot equal). Thank you, Japanese class classmates, for making class fun.

Thank you cousins, for putting up with my incessant outings and constant absence in the house. For doing all the housework that i promised to do "after SPM when i don't have to study so much". For letting me owe you guys money.

Thank you universe, for letting everything fall into place like this. Things haven't been very smooth, but not bad, just different. What a ride it's been! Thank you everyone and everything that have been involved, making my days what they are now, making me who i am now.

(and i'm sorry if i've been thick)

Also, sorry for being overly cheesy.

(it's the pre-sleep high again. perfect mixture of fatigue and mindfudge)

And remember. I love you :D

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥!!

Please have a wonderful day~

looking back

2010-02-09T01:17:00.004+08:00

Chinese New Year is in a week! What i remember of last year's CNY brings up this fond feeling in me, and i kind of regret that i won't be seeing the extended family for the festive season this year.

During last year's CNY, my brother was just beginning to move house, and he'd moved back in for a while, which meant less space, more people, more fun! It was a nice feeling. Yen Fong stayed back after everyone else went home, and that was when my second brother and her went and got new guitars!

Last year, CNY, we all got so hooked up on those Facebook games. Word Challenge, Geo Challenge, Who Has The Biggest Brain. Good god, Fong, my bro and i were going at it nonstop -- i actually got to a point where i memorized ALL the world flags (but have now forgotten).

Last year, CNY, was also when i was extremely uninspired. I shut down Caramel Kisses then, and got Oliveskies up. One year ago. Ho.

Last year we had a barbeque. I remember chicken. Lots of chicken ♥

What else did we do? =(

I can't remember.

But i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Life. Right now i love life. And Mraz. And my ma, daddy, kor's, xiang lin, bi. And Yernny and Ze. And Sand. And all. And YOU, for being :)

Weeeeeeeeeeee. Pre-sleep high. Awesome.

Peace of mind

2010-02-05T19:55:00.005+08:00

I want to say that it doesn't matter where i stand. Not everything needs to be defined. Some things can just be.

But sometimes it bothers me just a little bit.

I am gratified to realize that i am a pretty lucky person after all. I have the most reliable friends ever. I get to chose how to live my days. I got someone to think about, even if it likely will amount to nothing.

I am also quite awed to realize these days are special ones. It is only now that everything is possible. Anything is possible. I might still be able to go overseas. Come March i'll know for sure, and somehow that takes all the fun out of it.

Now is the time for dreams~ ♥

What dreams are you making today?